APRIL 4, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Free Democrats Support Oder-Neisse Line. Impact: This split in Bonn caused a ripple effect that led to a series of misunderstandings between East and West Germany, resulting in a future where people would argue over which side had the better pretzels. Fact: The Oder-Neisse line is a fancy way of saying, 'Hey, we’ll just draw a line in the sand and call it a border!'.
• Headline: Violent Protests Erupt in Aden. Impact: The protests in Aden sparked a global trend where people realized that yelling at things often leads to injuries and not much else, ultimately paving the way for modern-day Twitter feuds. Fact: Protests often result in casualties, but in this case, it just resulted in a lot of people really regretting their life choices.
• Headline: U.S. Visitor Describes Hanoi's Strife. Impact: This discord led to a rift that allowed for the rise of memes about miscommunications in war, culminating in future generations thinking it’s okay to misunderstand each other via text. Fact: The Vietcong were not actually a band; they just had a really confusing PR team.
• Headline: HOUSE PANEL PLANS ESPIONAGE HEARINGS. Impact: The House panel's obsession with espionage eventually led to a future where people could watch espionage thrillers and think they were experts on national security, despite only knowing how to binge-watch. Fact: Espionage hearings are like reality TV for government nerds; who knew spying could be so entertaining?.
• Headline: U.S. DROPS FIGHT TO REGISTER REDS; Concedes Defeat After 2d Upset of a Conviction. Impact: This decision to drop the fight against registering communists allowed every conspiracy theorist in the future to claim they were part of the 'underground movement' without actually doing anything. Fact: It’s almost like the Justice Department said, 'You win some, you lose some'—but in this case, they mostly lost.
• Headline: O'BRIEN PROPOSES CORPORATION RUN POSTAL SERVICE; Would Replace Cabinet Unit Bogged Down in 'Jungle' of Laws and Custom GIVES PLAN TO JOHNSON President Would Appoint Board of Nonprofit Group --Reaction Is Mixed. Impact: O'Brien's proposal to run the postal service like a corporation resulted in future postal workers having to deal with endless spreadsheets instead of just delivering mail, which really made their day. Fact: Turning the postal service into a corporation is like putting a cat in charge of a dog show—things are bound to get messy.
• Headline: Bill Asks 5-Year Census. Impact: The bill for a 5-year census led to future generations realizing that keeping track of everyone would lead to more accurate but equally confusing data about how many pairs of shoes they own. Fact: Five-year censuses: because who doesn’t want to fill out a form every few years just to be counted?.
• Headline: End Papers. Impact: The racial brawl at the peace talks showed that even the most idealistic of meetings can devolve into chaos, paving the way for future debates on the importance of snacks at meetings. Fact: Because nothing screams 'peace' like a good old-fashioned knife fight at a high school!.
• Headline: 'PEACE' TALKS END IN RACIAL BRAWL; Youth Is Slashed at Meeting in a Bronx High School. Impact: Humphrey's chiding of critics led to a long lineage of politicians using social media to scold their critics without actually addressing the issues, proving that sarcasm is a timeless art. Fact: Politicians have been mastering the art of deflection since ancient Rome, but now they just have Twitter to make it more public.
• Headline: Humphrey Chiding Critics on Vietnam; HUMPHREY CHIDES. CRITICS OF THE U.S..