APRIL 3, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Significant Progress in School Desegregation. Impact: The increase from 6% to 16% integration in schools caused a chain reaction of educational reforms that eventually led to the invention of the modern study group. Thank you, desegregation, for ensuring that group projects are now a universal struggle!. Fact: Despite the progress, it took several more decades for schools to become truly integrated, and here we thought just adding a few diverse faces would solve everything. Spoiler alert: it didn’t..
• Headline: China's 430th Warning to the US. Impact: China's 430th warning? That's like your neighbor repeatedly asking you to stop borrowing their lawnmower. Eventually, they either lend it to you or start charging rent. Either way, tensions rise and awkwardness ensues.. Fact: At this point, the US should just send a bouquet of 'Sorry for intruding' flowers with each warning. It might lighten the mood!.
• Headline: Speck Trial Will Resume Today as Jury Is Sworn In. Impact: The Speck trial's continuation was a reminder that justice is a marathon, not a sprint. This trial dragged on so long that jurors probably started to forget what 'innocent until proven guilty' really meant.. Fact: Fun fact: The trial had so many twists and turns that it could have been a plot for a daytime soap opera. Tune in next week for another shocking revelation!.
• Headline: Israel Records a Trade Surplus As Recession Cuts Her Imports. Impact: Israel’s trade surplus during a recession is proof that sometimes less really is more. It’s like when you clean out your closet and realize you have more space for the things you actually use. Who knew economic downturns could be so liberating?. Fact: Jobless benefits? The first step toward a universal basic income, because who doesn’t love a little government handout while staring at an empty fridge?.
• Headline: DONOVAN ACCUSES MAYOR OF TRYING TO RUN SCHOOLS; Conflict Arises Over Plans to Decentralize System as the State Requires. Impact: Donovan vs. Lindsay over school control was the political equivalent of a schoolyard fight with no clear winner. But it did pave the way for future debates on decentralization. Spoiler: It was just as messy.. Fact: You know it’s serious when mayors start hurling accusations like they’re at a middle school debate club. 'I’m not trying to take over your school, you’re just not doing it right!'.
• Headline: NEW FEDERATION OF ZIONISTS ASKED; Would Enlist Americans Not Now in Any Single Group. Impact: The formation of a new federation of Zionists aimed at inclusivity is a reminder that sometimes the best ideas come from a bunch of people sitting around and saying, 'Hey, what if we all just got along?'. Fact: The only downside? The meetings probably took forever because they couldn't agree on snacks. You think politics is rough? Try organizing a potluck..
• Headline: BOOK LAYS TORTURE TO THE FREE FRENCH. Impact: Mengin's book about the Free French adds an intriguing twist to the narrative of WWII. It’s like discovering your favorite superhero has a dark past. Turns out, not everyone was a saint behind the scenes.. Fact: The Free French were so busy trying to be heroic that they forgot to read the manual on how not to torture people. History is full of ironic twists!.
• Headline: Lindsay Hails Rise In Revenue for City; MAYOR HAILS RISE IN FUNDS FOR CITY. Impact: Mayor Lindsay’s revenue rise was like getting an unexpected bonus at work; it’s great until you realize it’s just a temporary fix to a much larger problem. And just like that, the cycle continues.. Fact: Hailing a rise in revenue is like celebrating a new diet soda flavor: it sounds good, but we all know it’s not going to solve the real issues at hand..
• Headline: HUMPHREY OPENS TALKS IN BRITAIN; Meets With Wilson After Flying From Visit to Italy. Impact: Humphrey's European tour was a classic case of political networking. It’s like trying to be friends with everyone at a party; you might leave with a few extra connections, but you’ll also have a headache from all the small talk.. Fact: If only he had known that a quick selfie in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa would have made all the headlines. Who needs diplomacy when you've got Instagram?.