MARCH 28, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Senators Push for Air War Strategy Changes. Impact: This air war report led to a domino effect of bureaucratic red tape that ultimately resulted in the creation of the phrase 'more paperwork than bombs.' In a parallel universe, it inspired a new genre of war-themed office comedy films.. Fact: Did you know that the Pentagon has more 'rebuttals' than a high school debate team? They might as well just hire a bunch of lawyers instead of generals..
• Headline: Air Officer's Legal Battle Against War Duty. Impact: The officer's lawsuit against war duty sparked a movement that eventually led to the establishment of 'War Avoidance Classes' - a curriculum focused on evading combat while perfecting the art of looking busy.. Fact: Did you know that many military officers have a knack for lawyering? Turns out dodging bullets and lawsuits is a highly transferable skill..
• Headline: Reagan's Historic Budget Proposal Unveiled. Impact: Reagan's budget proposal not only inflated government spending but also inflated the egos of politicians everywhere, making it the gold standard for future 'let's just throw money at it' strategies.. Fact: Did you know that Reagan once tried to balance a budget by selling lemonade? Spoiler alert: it didn’t work out..
• Headline: Books and Authors; Burroughs Awards for 1967. Impact: The Burroughs Awards paved the way for authors to receive accolades for their literary contributions, leading to an explosion of pretentious book clubs and people who think they can write just because they read.. Fact: Did you know that 'Tragedy and Comedy' is actually a book about how to make your life decisions sound more dramatic? Perfect for that friend who always needs to over-explain their problems..
• Headline: RED GUARDS HELD AIDES, SOVIET SAYS; Russian Diplomats Reported Harassed in Car 6 Hours. Impact: This incident of Red Guards harassing diplomats incited a wave of international outrage, resulting in the establishment of 'Diplomatic Emergency Response Teams' - which mainly consist of people who awkwardly stand around and try to look important.. Fact: Did you know that being harassed in a car for 6 hours is considered a top-tier ‘how to build character’ seminar in some countries?.
• Headline: Greek Doctors on Strike. Impact: The dentists' strike marked the beginning of a nationwide trend of professionals realizing they could actually demand better pay, leading to the eventual establishment of 'National Demand Your Worth Day'.. Fact: Did you know that the last time dentists went on strike, the Tooth Fairy had to take a second job to pay the bills?.
• Headline: INTERSTATE GROUP BEING ORGANIZED TO SEEK CLEAN AIR; U.S., Pennsylvania to Join New York and New Jersey in Enforcing Standards INTERSTATE GROUP TO SEEK CLEAN AIR. Impact: The interstate group for clean air was the first step toward realizing that the air quality was about as bad as a 90s sitcom. This led to the eventual invention of air purifiers and the rise of hipster air quality monitors.. Fact: Did you know that the first clean air agency was led by a bunch of folks who thought 'fresh air' was just a marketing gimmick?.
• Headline: A U. S. Millionaire Missing in Malaysia; U.S. MILLIONAIRE LOST IN MALAYSIA. Impact: The disappearance of the U.S. millionaire in Malaysia sparked countless conspiracy theories about treasure hunting, making reality shows about lost riches a thing for decades to come, and proving that mystery is far more profitable than reality.. Fact: Did you know that if you’re a millionaire and go missing, you instantly become the subject of at least three reality TV shows? Welcome to ‘Where’s My Money?'.
• Headline: CATHOLICS TO SEEK MORE INTEGRATION; Nationwide Parley Called on Parochial Schools. Impact: The Catholic conference on school integration kickstarted a long, slow march toward racial equality in education, ultimately leading to the creation of countless committees that discuss how to talk about race without actually doing anything about it.. Fact: Did you know that parochial schools have been known to offer free theology classes on how to ignore uncomfortable truths? Enrollment is always high..
• Headline: General Mills Names New Director. Impact: The naming of a new director at General Mills led to an uptick in overly enthusiastic cereal marketing campaigns, including one infamous 'Cereal Olympics' that ended with more injuries than medals.. Fact: Did you know that General Mills has more directors than flavors of cereal? Their board meetings are basically just a big breakfast bar..