MARCH 27, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: L.I.U. Provost Transition Announcement. Impact: The decision to replace the provost at L.I.U. caused a ripple effect, leading to a series of administrative shake-ups across universities. This eventually resulted in the establishment of the 'Provost Olympics' where academic leaders engage in a series of ridiculous competitions to secure their positions, like speed-reading scholarly articles or seeing who can give the longest lecture without taking a breath.. Fact: Did you know that provosts were originally just fancy titles for 'person who has to deal with all the complaints from students and faculty'? It's like being the adult in a room full of toddlers..
• Headline: Tanker Crisis Threatens Cornwall's Coastline. Impact: The tanker disaster off Britain not only polluted the Cornish coast but also led to the creation of a new genre of environmental protest music that was surprisingly catchy. Who knew oil spills could inspire so many ballads about the plight of sea otters?. Fact: Fun fact: Oil spills are nature's way of reminding us that we really should've just stuck to using candles and horse-drawn carriages..
• Headline: Symington Advocates for Air Raids in Vietnam. Impact: Senator Symington's push for wider air raids in Vietnam led to a series of back-and-forth debates that eventually inspired a hit TV show about politicians arguing over the dinner table. Spoiler alert: It was not a comedy.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more contentious than air raids in Vietnam was the argument over who got to sit at the head of the table during these debates? Politics is just a fancy game of musical chairs..
• Headline: BROOKINGS NAMES A NEW PRESIDENT; Kermit Gordon to Succeed Dr. Calkins This Summer. Impact: Kermit Gordon’s ascension to the presidency at Brookings led to an unexpected trend of institutional reshuffling that eventually inspired a reality TV show called 'Presidential Shuffle,' where academic leaders compete in absurd challenges for the title of 'Most Likely to Confuse a Student.'. Fact: Fun fact: Kermit Gordon is not related to the Muppet Kermit, but they both share a knack for making serious topics oddly entertaining..
• Headline: STUDENT FLING OVER AT FT. LAUDERDALE. Impact: The rampage in Ft. Lauderdale inspired a new trend in youth rebellion: spontaneous dance parties that eventually led to the creation of the 'Flash Mob' phenomenon. All thanks to a few overzealous youths looking for a good time!. Fact: Fun fact: Rampaging youths often just want to be noticed. Next time you see a group acting out, maybe they're just auditioning for a reality show!.
• Headline: Zealous Guards Tip Kennedy Sailboat in the Pacific. Impact: The incident with the Kennedy sailboat not only became a sensational news story but also inspired a new rule in sailing: no chasing boats with cameras unless you're prepared for a wild ride. This led to the rise of 'Paparrazi-proof' sailboats that are practically unsinkable.. Fact: Did you know that the Kennedys were so used to being chased by the press that they considered it a sport? Who needs a yacht club when you have a fleet of photographers?.
• Headline: A Three-Career Man; Kermit Gordon. Impact: Kermit Gordon's multifaceted career led to the emergence of a new job title: 'Professional Career Juggler,' where people are expected to balance multiple jobs while making it look easy. Spoiler: It's not easy.. Fact: Did you know that the concept of a 'three-career man' is just fancy talk for 'I can't decide what I want to be when I grow up'? Welcome to adulthood!.