MARCH 21, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Hamilton's Draft Classification Update. Impact: Hamilton's reclassification could have sparked a chain reaction where all those who were deemed unfit to serve formed a rock band instead, uniting the nation through music rather than war. Imagine an anti-war song by a bunch of 1-A rejects!. Fact: Fun fact: Being 1-A doesn't mean they were the first ones to step up for the draft but rather they're the ones who just barely meet the criteria. Talk about a participation trophy!.
• Headline: The Conferees on Guam: Vietnam War Insights. Impact: The 'Conferees on Guam' could have led to a breakthrough in international diplomacy had they just decided to play a friendly game of charades instead of discussing Vietnam. Who knew that not knowing how to mime could change the course of history?. Fact: Spoiler alert: The conferees probably didn't solve anything, but hey, at least they had snacks!.
• Headline: HOUSE EXTENDS EX-G.I. BENEFITS; Votes Eligibility for All in Service Since Tonkin Gulf. Impact: Extending G.I. benefits created a ripple effect that eventually led to countless veterans becoming social media influencers. Now they can share their tales of heroism and the occasional avocado toast recipe. Who knew combat experience would translate so well to Instagram?. Fact: The Tonkin Gulf incident is often cited as the catalyst for the Vietnam War. So basically, if you thought your last vacation was a disaster, just remember: it could have led to a full-blown conflict!.
• Headline: Draft Resister Fails To Get a Rehearing In the High Court. Impact: Mitchell's case could have inspired a new generation of activists, leading to a world where people refuse to serve for morally questionable wars and instead take up knitting. Imagine a world where peace is just a stitch away!. Fact: Justice Douglas was all for free speech, except when it came to draft dodgers. Apparently, some forms of dissent are just too loud for the Supreme Court's delicate ears!.
• Headline: Saigon Chief's See Big Policy Victory; JUNTA CHIEFS SEE A POLICY VICTORY. Impact: The junta's victory could have led to a massive reality TV show about military leaders trying to manage a country. 'Survivor: Junta Edition' could have been a hit, but instead we got actual wars. Thanks, reality!. Fact: In case you were wondering, junta meetings usually involve a lot of serious discussions, but they probably also needed a snack break. Military strategizing can really work up an appetite!.
• Headline: Gen. Hershey, in Reversal, Backs Draft Lottery; Tells Senate Unit He Bows to Proposal by President Quick Shift to System Urged by Selective Service Chief. Impact: Gen. Hershey backing the draft lottery might have created a world where lotteries were the only form of governance. Instead of voting for politicians, citizens would just enter a draw to see who gets to run the country. Who needs democracy anyway?. Fact: The draft lottery system is like the worst kind of game show—one where losing could send you off to war instead of a tropical vacation. Talk about a plot twist!.
• Headline: Text of Joint Communique. Impact: Joint communiques could have set off a trend where world leaders just sent each other emojis instead of long-winded statements. Imagine trying to decipher a peace treaty through a series of smiley faces and thumbs up!. Fact: Joint communiques: because nothing says 'we're working together' like a lengthy document no one will read!.
• Headline: FIREMEN REJECT NEW WAGE OFFER; STRIKE VOTE SET; Proposal by a Fact-Finding Panel Is Shouted Down by 5,000 at Meeting Here POLICE MAY DO SAME Suspension of All Services Except Emergencies and Alarms Is Authorized FIREMEN REJECT NEW WAGE OFFER. Impact: The firemen's strike vote could have inspired a new trend of labor negotiations where workers just collectively decide to take a vacation instead of striking. Imagine the productivity boost from a well-timed beach day!. Fact: When firemen reject a wage offer, it’s essentially them saying, 'We're not just going to put out your fires for free, buddy!'.