MARCH 9, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Debate Surrounds Abortion Reform Bill. Impact: This heated abortion debate led to a nationwide emotional rollercoaster, resulting in countless families arguing over Thanksgiving dinners for decades. Who knew that a lost bill could spark dinner-table debates about choice and broccoli?. Fact: The phrase 'You Haven't Heard the End of This!' is now a popular slogan in countless failed political campaigns. Who knew it had such a versatile application?.
• Headline: Activists Unite for Urban Poor Advocacy. Impact: This group’s formation eventually led to a series of increasingly awkward meetings where rich people tried to figure out how to help poor people without actually interacting with them. A true masterclass in avoiding real change!. Fact: They say ‘influence’ is just a fancy way of saying ‘we're here to make our opinions heard while doing absolutely nothing productive.’.
• Headline: Trade Rivalry at Leipzig Fair. Impact: The Leipzig Fair became a battleground for capitalism and communism, with trade deals leading to the eventual creation of the capitalist version of a ‘Let’s Make a Deal’ game show. Spoiler: the prizes were mostly just more products.. Fact: The irony of a fair for trade being dominated by ideological differences is delicious—like a cake that looks great but tastes like cardboard..
• Headline: Israel is Reviewing Her Regulations on Censorship. Impact: Censorship reviews typically lead to either a spiraling increase in public interest or a dramatic increase in the number of cat videos online. Spoiler: it was the cat videos.. Fact: In Israel’s version of ‘Catch Me If You Can,’ they were just trying to catch anyone who dared publish classified info. Censorship or a really intense game of hide-and-seek?.
• Headline: Prince Charles to Play A Pirate of Penzance. Impact: Prince Charles's pirate role sparked a chain reaction of royal family members attempting to break into the arts. Next up: Queen Elizabeth in a rap battle—because why not?. Fact: Playing a pirate is basically royal training for navigating the high seas of public opinion. Arrr, matey!.
• Headline: Croton Dam Overflows First Time Since '64, but Drought Isn't Over; CITY'S CROTON DAM NOW OVER FLOWING. Impact: The overflowing dam became a metaphor for all the things we try to keep bottled up until they explode. Like emotions. Or that time you forgot to pay your taxes.. Fact: The Croton Dam's overflow was so dramatic it inspired a whole new genre of disaster movies—'Drought's Revenge: The Flowing.'.
• Headline: LINDSAY TO FORM COUNCIL ON CRIME; He Will Direct Single Panel to Coordinate Enforcement. Impact: This council’s formation paved the way for NYC to become the epicenter of crime-fighting strategies, which eventually devolved into overly complicated plans that could rival the plot of a Christopher Nolan film.. Fact: Creating a 40-member council to tackle crime sounds like the world's longest game of telephone. By the end, everyone’s just confused about what the actual problem was..
• Headline: DE GAULLE SEES FREEDOM AT STAKE; Says Issue in Runoff Is His Party or Communism. Impact: De Gaulle's prediction about the election led to a dramatic increase in political tension, resulting in a series of political thrillers about the fate of democracy that no one actually wanted to read.. Fact: The phrase 'Gaullism vs. Communism' could easily be the title of a bad action movie starring a washed-up actor trying to reclaim his glory days..
• Headline: EDITOR IN MOSCOW DEFIES HIS CRITICS; Tvardovsky Affirms Liberal Line for His Magazine. Impact: Tvardovsky's defiance led to a small revolution in Soviet literature, where writers began to subtly include critiques of the regime, eventually culminating in a world of underground authors who could make a career out of dodging censorship.. Fact: The 50th anniversary of the Bolshevik Revolution became less of a celebration and more of a 'let's air our grievances' party—Russian style!.