MARCH 8, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mrs. Kennedy Cancels Asia Trip Plans. Impact: If Mrs. Kennedy had taken that trip, she might have accidentally uncovered a secret society of time-traveling historians who would have rewritten history in favor of her fashion sense. The world would have experienced an endless loop of 1960s fashion shows.. Fact: Did you know that Mrs. Kennedy's wardrobe choices were so influential that they could have single-handedly started a trend for time-traveling fashionistas? Too bad she decided to stay home..
• Headline: Malaysia Establishes National News Agency. Impact: The establishment of a national news agency in Malaysia inadvertently led to the global rise of fake news, as journalists everywhere realized they could fabricate stories without consequences. And thus, Twitter was born.. Fact: Fun fact: the first press agency was likely just a group of gossiping neighbors with really bad hearing..
• Headline: Noranda Mines Calls Off Bid for Control of Essex. Impact: This cancellation led to a sudden spike in existential crises among investors, causing a ripple effect where people began questioning their life choices—like investing in mining instead of starting a cat café.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more boring than mining stocks is watching paint dry? Just saying..
• Headline: SUKARNO DEPICTED AS VICTIM OF REDS; President Was Exploited, Suharto Tells Congress. Impact: This statement set off a political domino effect that resulted in numerous conspiracy theories about who was really pulling the strings, leading to a Netflix series that no one asked for.. Fact: The political intrigue surrounding Sukarno's presidency is so tangled that even a soap opera writer would say, 'Wow, that’s a bit much.'.
• Headline: FRENCH GIVE MONKEY BRIEF RIDE IN SPACE. Impact: The monkey's journey inspired a future generation of scientists to think outside the box, ultimately leading to a successful mission to Mars—where they found evidence of intelligent life, but it turned out to just be other monkeys.. Fact: Did you know that the first 'space monkey' was just a test subject? Just imagine the therapy sessions these poor creatures had to endure after their brief taste of interstellar fame..
• Headline: NEWS OF REALTY: BUILDING PLANNED; Skyscrapers to Be Erected in Chicago by Time, Inc.. Impact: This building project inadvertently led to the rise of coffee shops and coworking spaces, as people flocked to the area to pretend they were working while actually just scrolling through social media.. Fact: Fun fact: skyscrapers are just really tall buildings that make you feel small and insignificant. Welcome to adulthood..