FEBRUARY 4, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lunar Orbiter 3 Launch Delay Announced. Impact: The postponement of the Lunar Orbiter 3 launch sparked a series of unfortunate events, including a group of disgruntled astronomers forming a secret society to overthrow the government for wasting their stargazing time. They eventually became the first official UFO enthusiasts. Fact: Fun fact: If you wait long enough, anything can be postponed. Just ask your New Year's resolutions!.
• Headline: Balanchine's Don Quixote Revival at NYC Ballet. Impact: Balanchine's take on Don Quixote led to a renaissance of ballet in America, sparking a ballet craze that resulted in countless awkward dance-offs at weddings and bar mitzvahs for decades to come. Who knew windmills could inspire such hip-hop moves?. Fact: Did you know that Balanchine once choreographed a piece where dancers pretended to be in a traffic jam? It was both mesmerizing and terrifying, much like real traffic.
• Headline: REUTHER RESIGNS POSTS IN A.F.L-C.I.O. IN WIDENING RIFT; Retains Only Presidency of Industrial Union Division --3 Aides Also Drop Out U.A.W. RETAINS ITS TIES Auto Workers Plan Review of Role in Federation-- Complete Break Possible REUTHER RESIGNS A.F.L.-C.I.O. POSTS. Impact: Reuther's resignation from the A.F.L-C.I.O. ignited a labor movement that would eventually lead to a new era of workers' rights. Unfortunately, it also led to a new meme format where people just resign from their jobs for the 'gram. Fact: Did you know that unions were originally formed to prevent workers from being treated like robots? Now they just negotiate how many coffee breaks robots get!.
• Headline: A Crisis for Labor; U.A.W. Withdrawal From Key Posts Viewed as Bringing It Close to Break. Impact: The U.A.W.'s withdrawal from key posts set off a chain reaction of labor disputes that ultimately resulted in the invention of the coffee break. Workers realized they needed at least 15 minutes to devise their escape plans. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing workers hate more than a bad negotiation is a meeting that could have been an email. But hey, at least they had coffee!.
• Headline: CREOLE SETTLES VENEZUELA CASE; Compromise Is Reached in Tax-Payments Dispute CREOLE SETTLES VENEZUELA CASE. Impact: Creole Petroleum's settlement with Venezuela set a precedent for future oil companies, leading to a worldwide trend of companies settling disputes with snacks instead of cash. This explains the rise of 'Snackonomics' in the 21st century. Fact: Did you know that oil companies have a secret handshake? It's just a high-five followed by a pat on the back with money. Very classy.
• Headline: RUSSIAN AND POPE SET UP NO FIRM TIE; Vatican Talks Said to Have Been in General Terms. Impact: The vague talks between the Russian leaders and the Pope opened a Pandora's box of religious diplomacy, leading to the bizarre situation where every world leader felt compelled to consult a fortune cookie before making major decisions. Fact: Did you know that the Vatican has a strict policy against discussing neo-Nazism? They prefer to stick to matters like, you know, eternal salvation and communion wine.
• Headline: Eisenhower Backs Treaty. Impact: Eisenhower's backing of the treaty led to a golden age of diplomacy, where nations began to use interpretive dance to settle their differences instead of weapons. The world was briefly united through awkward pirouettes. Fact: Did you know that Eisenhower was really just trying to avoid a 'dance-off' situation? History shows that world leaders are terrible dancers.
• Headline: 7 From Soviet Ship Saved. Impact: The rescue of the sailors from the Soviet ship triggered a series of maritime safety protocols that eventually led to the invention of the life jacket with built-in flotation devices, which are now used by all hipsters at the beach. Fact: Did you know that sailors have a saying: 'It's not a party until someone falls overboard'? This incident definitely kept the party going!.