FEBRUARY 1, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Apollo Accident Inquiry Requested by Webb. Impact: If only the Apollo accident hadn't happened, perhaps we'd all be riding hoverboards by now instead of waiting for Elon Musk to save us with his questionable rocket designs. Fact: The Apollo program was a series of space missions that actually made it to the moon, which is more than we can say for some politicians trying to reach their goals.
• Headline: Shift in Pan-Arab Unity and Conflicts. Impact: The collapse of these Pan-Arab groups led to a severe shortage of awkward international summits and endless debates about who gets to sit where at the next peace conference. Fact: When Arab nations argue, it often gets messy—like a family Thanksgiving dinner, but with more serious consequences and less pumpkin pie.
• Headline: Muskie Appointed to Lead Democratic Campaign. Impact: Muskie's appointment to lead the Democrat campaign unit sent shockwaves that somehow found their way to the future, leading to a never-ending cycle of campaign slogans that would make Shakespeare weep. Fact: Sen Muskie's middle name is actually 'Campaign,' which explains a lot about his career choices.
• Headline: End of Time' Depicted by Physicist. Impact: Dr. Wheeler's vision of the 'End of Time' probably inspired a generation of confused students to major in philosophy instead of physics, leading to a mass shortage of particle physicists and a boom in coffee shops. Fact: The concept of 'time' is just a social construct, like reality TV shows and influencers; we just pretend it makes sense.
• Headline: REISCHAUER CALLS RED CHINA 'WEAK'; U.S. Overrates Its Menace, He Tells Senators Urges Cut in Vietnam Bombing REISCHAUER CALLS RED CHINA 'WEAK'. Impact: Reischauer's comments on Red China being 'weak' somehow led to decades of debates about whether China is a threat or just really, really good at playing the long game, kind of like a chess master in a room full of checkers players. Fact: Calling a country 'weak' is a bold strategy. It’s like poking a sleeping bear with a stick, while holding a steak.
• Headline: Texas Farm Strike Picks Target for Produce Boycott. Impact: The Texas farm strike may have caused a ripple effect that ultimately led to the invention of organic kale smoothies, which ironically seem to cost more than the back wages the workers were demanding. Fact: A $1.25 minimum wage in 1960 is the equivalent of a cup of coffee today, which is also what many of these workers probably needed to survive on their wages.
• Headline: COURT DISMISSES CREDIT CARD SUIT; Rules Holder Is Not Liable for Debt if Unaware That Thief Used Account. Impact: The court's ruling on credit card liability helped pave the way for modern consumer rights, leading to the widespread belief that the only thing we should be responsible for is our shopping habits and binge-watching schedules. Fact: If only Mrs. Funderburke had known about identity theft, she could have saved herself a lot of trouble—and a few thousand dollars.
• Headline: Division Chief Named By Schenley Industries. Impact: C.O. Schupp's election to Schenley Industries likely set off a corporate ladder-climbing frenzy, leading to the eventual establishment of mandatory 'team-building' retreats that no one actually wants to attend. Fact: In corporate America, being elected president of a division is like being the captain of the Titanic—lots of responsibility, but you still might hit an iceberg.
• Headline: Blood Cell Shift Seen. Impact: Senator Anderson's interest in using pure oxygen in spacecraft may have led to an increase in sci-fi movies featuring astronauts who forgot to check their oxygen tanks—an ever-reliable trope in the industry. Fact: Using pure oxygen in spacecraft is like trying to breathe through a straw. It works until it doesn’t, and then it’s all over the news.