DECEMBER 18, 1966

Full News Archive

• Headline: Stearns Breaks Water Ski Speed Record. Impact: C Stearns's record-breaking speed could have inspired a future generation of water skiers who, convinced they could fly, attempted to take off and accidentally invented jet skis. Thanks, Stearns!. Fact: Did you know water skiing was originally invented by a couple of bored beachgoers who thought, 'You know what would make this boring boat ride more exciting? Strapping ourselves to a plank and hoping we don’t faceplant!'.
• Headline: Evaluating Pairing in Education Reform. Impact: This budget reform talk might have sparked a secret society of educators who secretly meet in basements to plot the downfall of standardized tests. Or, you know, maybe just to complain about paperwork.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more certain than mixed results from pairing is that the coffee at these meetings is always lukewarm and bitter..
• Headline: Commons Morning Sessions Launch Initiative. Impact: The Commons' decision to hold morning sessions could lead to a time where everyone forgets what 'sleeping in' means. Future generations might even think breakfast is a myth!. Fact: Did you know that morning sessions are just a fancy way of saying 'let’s all pretend to be productive before lunchtime'?.
• Headline: Bach and Beatles on Bells. Impact: The Bellringers Guild's daily recitals might just be the reason for a future wave of carillon enthusiasts who believe they can communicate with the ghosts of composers past. Spoiler alert: they can't.. Fact: Did you know that bell ringing is one of the few activities that can attract a crowd and simultaneously clear the area faster than a fire drill?.
• Headline: Foe's '66 Defection Rate Reported Above Saigon's; Vietcong and the North Vietnamese Said to Lose More Men Proportionately Than South for the First Time. Impact: The reported defection rates could have led to a dramatic increase in ‘how to survive a war’ workshops, inadvertently creating a thriving underground economy for self-help books in war zones. Because, of course, that's what you need when dodging bullets.. Fact: Did you know that the Vietcong actually threw the best potlucks? Everyone brought their own survival skills, but nobody brought dessert..
• Headline: Russian Rabbits Restive Without Daily Cigarettes. Impact: The addiction of rabbits to cigarettes might have led to a future where rabbits become spokesanimals for anti-smoking campaigns. Imagine a rabbit with a tiny suit and a briefcase delivering a TED Talk on lung health!. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing cuter than a rabbit is a rabbit trying to quit smoking. It’s like watching a fluffy little soap opera unfold..
• Headline: Gov. Boe Named to Basin Post. Impact: Gov. Boe's appointment could set off a series of events that leads to a bureaucratic revolution where all governors start wearing capes. Because who wouldn’t want a little flair in politics?. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more exciting than a governor's appointment is the endless debate over whether 'Boe' rhymes with 'go' or 'toe'..
• Headline: The Paper That Spreads The Cult of Mao; The Paper That Spreads the Cult of Mao (Cont.). Impact: The article on the cult of Mao could spark a future obsession with revolutionary aesthetics, leading hipsters to don Mao-inspired fashion as the next 'in' thing. Prepare yourself for the ‘Red Chic’ movement!. Fact: Did you know that the most revolutionary thing about Mao’s cult was probably how it influenced the world of graphic design? Those posters are still a hit in art schools!.
• Headline: Rich Harvest. Impact: The publication of 'Rich Harvest' might lead to a future where student stories become a new literary genre, inspiring a frenzy of ‘student life’ memoirs that no one asked for but everyone pretends to read.. Fact: Fun fact: The best student stories are often written during finals week, fueled by caffeine and the desperate hope that someone will actually care about their existential crises..