DECEMBER 4, 1966

Full News Archive

• Headline: Birth of Paul Anka's Daughter. Impact: If this child grows up to be a pop sensation, we could be looking at a revival of the 1970s, complete with bell-bottoms and disco balls. Just think of the hair! It might even spark a new trend in retro-themed parties, complete with awkward dance moves.. Fact: Paul Anka is actually the guy who wrote 'My Way,' which is the ultimate karaoke song for when you want to show off your questionable life choices..
• Headline: Mysterious Kidney Malady Impacts Slavic Nations. Impact: This mysterious disease could lead to an underground movement of conspiracy theorists claiming that it’s a government experiment gone wrong. Maybe in 50 years, we’ll be reading about the ‘Kidney Malady Conspiracy’ in a sci-fi novel.. Fact: Dr. P.W. Hall probably spent four years in a lab, only to discover that the real cause of the disease was simply too much Balkan food..
• Headline: Water Transport Leadership Change Announced. Impact: Renaming a panel probably won’t change anything, but it might inspire future generations to think that a fancy title can fix bureaucratic inefficiencies. Spoiler: It can’t.. Fact: In the world of government appointments, 'rename' is just a fancy way of saying 'let's pretend this is new and exciting.'.
• Headline: Football Betting Sites Raided. Impact: The IRS taking down betting syndicates might just motivate a new generation of underground gamblers. Who doesn’t love a good cat-and-mouse game with the feds?. Fact: If those 30 people had put their betting skills to work on Wall Street, they might have made millions instead of just losing their freedom..
• Headline: Maurice Joseph MicklewhiteWhat's 'E Got?; What`s E Got? (Cont.) He was a child of the blitz, a child of the slums About the only lady not a Cause fan today is the former Mrs. Caine. Impact: This article might just lead to a resurgence of interest in Micklewhite, who one day could be remembered as the unsung hero of British cinema, or at least the guy who got overshadowed by a former Mrs. Caine.. Fact: Maurice Joseph Micklewhite is better known as Michael Caine. So, let's be real—if they made a movie about this, it would be totally confusing..
• Headline: M'LAUGHRY QUITS AS BROWN COACH; Football Team Won Only 17 Games in What He Calls 'Eight Difficult Years'. Impact: This resignation could inspire a wave of coaches to quit in dramatic fashion, leading to a new trend in sports where coaches exit with flair—perhaps with confetti and a farewell tour.. Fact: Winning only 17 games in eight years is a fantastic way to get a job as a motivational speaker. 'How Not to Succeed in Sports' could be a best-seller!.
• Headline: Music; More Fizzle Than Explosion Not So Rosy Unchanging Figures Nightmare World Education Needed. Impact: This might just be the catalyst for a cultural revolution, where artists band together to create an avant-garde movement, all because someone was unhappy with the numbers.. Fact: Cultural booms are like stock market crashes; everyone swears they saw it coming but no one really knows what to do when it happens..
• Headline: A Success That Loses; Success That Loses CAPITAL EVENTS RECOGNITION. Impact: This company’s struggles could spark a trend in corporate transparency, leading to a new era of businesses disclosing their financial woes and thus creating a weirdly supportive environment for failure.. Fact: In the world of business, 'success that loses' is just corporate speak for 'we tried really hard and still flopped.'.
• Headline: Envoy Named by Barbados. Impact: This diplomatic appointment might just lead to a series of awkward interactions in London, where the High Commissioner is constantly asked about the weather in Barbados.. Fact: If you think being a diplomat is all fancy parties and free travel, just wait until you have to deal with paperwork and international relations. Fun times!.
• Headline: LODGE APPOINTS 3 TO KEY CIVIL POSTS; 2 Diplomats and Ex-Soldier to Operate in Corps Areas Confusion in Past. Impact: These appointments may lead to an accidental friendly-fire situation in Vietnam, as the new regional directors try to figure out what the heck they’re supposed to be doing.. Fact: Ambassadorial appointments are basically the adult version of being picked for dodgeball—only in this case, everyone hopes they don’t get hit with a diplomatic crisis..