OCTOBER 13, 1966

Full News Archive

• Headline: Delay in Moon Trip Due to Cooperation Issues. Impact: If only the Soviets had gotten their act together and landed on the moon first, we might have had a global interstellar space race instead of just a pissing contest. Imagine a world where we were all forced to speak in space slang and negotiate treaties over lunar cheese.. Fact: The Soviets didn't just delay their moon trip; they also mastered the art of making excuses almost as well as politicians do..
• Headline: U.S. Eases Trade with Soviet Bloc. Impact: This trade easing might have led to a future where American consumers were awash in Soviet-made trinkets, inadvertently creating a whole new subculture of 'Soviet chic'—think of the hipster cafes, of course.. Fact: Ending trade restrictions on 400 items—because nothing says 'diplomacy' like sending your neighbor a box of cheap vodka and wooden dolls..
• Headline: Castelo Branco Removes Opposition Figures in Brazil. Impact: This purge likely set off a chain reaction of political unrest that could be seen as the precursor to the Brazilian carnival: a chaotic celebration where everyone dances on the remains of their enemies' careers.. Fact: In Brazil, ousting opposition officials is practically a national sport—just without the medals and more with the fear of sudden unemployment..
• Headline: FRENCH ATHLETE IS TIMED IN 4:56.2; Meet Honors Retirement of Jazy--High Altitude Hits Dane in Mexico City Norup at Site a Week. Impact: This athlete's record may not have changed the world, but it did probably inspire a generation of runners to pretend they could run that fast while actually just walking briskly to the fridge.. Fact: 4:56.2 was not just a time; it was also the collective regret of every couch potato watching the race from their living rooms..
• Headline: Inland Steel Tract Is Restored To Indiana Dunes Bill in House. Impact: Restoring land to the Indiana Dunes might have led to an unforeseen increase in nature enthusiasts, which would ultimately confuse future generations into thinking 'outdoorsy' was a legitimate career choice.. Fact: The Indiana Dunes are proof that even steel can be put on a timeout for some nature-loving hippies to enjoy a little sunshine and sand..
• Headline: Romantic Sign Heralds Another Vest-Pocket Park. Impact: This artistic billboard could have inadvertently launched a trend in urban landscaping, leading to a future where every city block is dotted with tiny parks that no one actually visits—because who has time for nature when there’s Netflix?. Fact: Nothing says romance quite like a small park that’s probably just a glorified patch of grass where people can awkwardly avoid eye contact..
• Headline: TUG CREWS STRIKE IN BALTIMORE PORT. Impact: This strike might have slowed down shipping and trade, which in turn could have led to a nationwide shortage of something utterly trivial, like avocados or artisanal bread—because heaven forbid we go without our brunch staples.. Fact: When tug crews strike, it’s basically a maritime version of a toddler throwing a tantrum—everyone’s inconvenienced and the adults just have to hope it blows over soon..