SEPTEMBER 10, 1966

Full News Archive

• Headline: Democrat-Endorsed Republican Judge Surprises Politics. Impact: The Republican judge winning a Democratic endorsement triggered an alternate universe where political parties swapped ideologies every decade, leading to a world where cats run for office and dogs are the ones filling out the tax forms.. Fact: In this universe, 'bipartisanship' is just a fancy term for 'we have no idea what we're doing, but let's pretend!'.
• Headline: Short Dairy Weights Discovered in NYC Markets. Impact: The discovery of short dairy weights ignited a nationwide milk rebellion, resulting in a generation of lactose-intolerant superheroes battling corporate dairy overlords. It was a real 'Got Milk?' moment... for the villains.. Fact: In NYC, they say the only thing shorter than the dairy weights is the patience of a New Yorker waiting in line for a bagel..
• Headline: TYROL BOMB KILLS 2 ITALIAN GUARDS; Advocates of Annexation by Austria Are Suspected Neo-Nazi Group Blamed. Impact: The Tyrol bomb incident caused a ripple effect that resulted in heightened security measures across Europe, inadvertently leading to a boom in the bomb detection dog industry. Fido would now save the day!. Fact: Bombs and neo-Nazis? That's just a Tuesday in some parts of Europe. But remember, always check your local dog park for hidden treasures!.
• Headline: 4 Upstate Cities Checked For 2d Lost Radium Capsule. Impact: The search for the lost radium capsule inadvertently inspired a series of sci-fi movies featuring rogue radioactive capsules that could talk, eventually leading to the rise of intelligent household appliances in the 21st century. Thanks, 1950s!. Fact: Radium: the gift that keeps on giving... until it doesn't. Remember, kids, always check your science kits for missing radioactive materials!.
• Headline: ROOSEVELT CITES TRUJILLO MISTAKE; Liberal Candidate Says He Erred in Taking Fee Attacks O'Connor Kennedy Held Lukewarm. Impact: Roosevelt's admittance of error regarding Trujillo's fee caused a ripple effect in political accountability, leading to a future where politicians have to undergo rigorous truth serum tests before taking office. Spoiler alert: it didn't last long.. Fact: Political mistakes are like bad haircut choices; they always come back to haunt you, and there's no amount of gel that can fix them!.
• Headline: Job Discrimination Is Charged In Six Suits by N.A.A.C.P. Fund. Impact: The NAACP's job discrimination suits prompted corporations to create diversity training programs that eventually resulted in the creation of a reality show called 'Corporate Diversity Wars,' where contestants compete for the title of 'Most Inclusive Workplace.'. Fact: In a world where job titles are as long as the applications, one must wonder if the only thing segregated is the coffee creamer in the break room..
• Headline: PRESIDENT SIGNS CAR SAFETY BILLS; NAMES DIRECTOR; Haddon, Ex-New York State Health Official, Chosen to Head Standards Agency In Commerce Department Nader Among Guests PRESIDENT SIGNS CAR SAFETY BILLS Strengthened Legislation Broad Range of Standards. Impact: President Johnson's signing of car safety bills triggered a chain reaction that led to the invention of the first self-driving car, which ironically still required a human to yell at the GPS for getting lost. Progress, right?. Fact: Cars are safer now, but good luck finding one that doesn't require a small fortune in repairs every few months. The real safety hazard? Your wallet!.