SEPTEMBER 9, 1966

Full News Archive

• Headline: Johnson Receives Family of Man Award. Impact: Pres Johnson winning the Family of Man Award caused a ripple effect of individuals suddenly feeling the need to prove their humanity. This eventually led to the creation of awkward social media posts where people share their selfless acts, like adopting a pet or donating to charity, but only when they can capture it on camera.. Fact: Did you know that this award is meant for those who make outstanding contributions to human rights? Ironically, it seems like most politicians just get these for showing up..
• Headline: House Passes Bill to Regulate Interest Rates. Impact: The bill allowing agencies to regulate interest rates led to a chain reaction where people started hoarding their savings under mattresses, believing that banks were just waiting to rob them blind. This ultimately spawned a new underground economy centered around mattress sales.. Fact: Did you know that the last person who thought they could beat the banks by hoarding cash under their mattress ended up with a very uncomfortable sleeping experience? They're now a proud owner of a very lumpy mattress..
• Headline: Liberal Party Names Roosevelt for Unity. Impact: Roosevelt's nomination by the Liberal Party sparked an unexpected increase in hipster coffee shops named after him, due to an ironic twist of fate where every generation feels the need to resurrect political figures from the past to validate their own struggles with modern life.. Fact: Did you know that Roosevelt's campaign platform was probably less about unity and more about not being the guy who got 209 votes? Just imagine the awkward post-convention party!.
• Headline: PHONE COMPANY ADMITS TAP AIDS; Furnished Connections to F.B.I., Court Is Told. Impact: The revelation that the phone company furnished connections to the FBI not only spurred more conspiracy theories than a late-night talk show, but also inspired a new genre of thriller novels about rogue phone companies and their ties to the government. Spoiler: they always have a 'mysterious' insider.. Fact: Did you know that if you think your phone is tapped, it probably is—at least if you're in a conspiracy novel? Reality is way less exciting..
• Headline: Palgium and Poland Urge East-West Talks in Europe. Impact: Palgium and Poland's push for East-West talks eventually led to the invention of the 'European Diplomatic Bingo' game, where every time a politician says 'unity', someone has to drink. This has definitely improved the atmosphere in many boring diplomatic meetings.. Fact: Did you know that diplomatic talks often result in more confusion than clarity? Just ask the last guy who tried to get two countries to agree on pizza toppings..
• Headline: WEST IS STRIVING TO RETAIN THANT; U.S. Britain and France Agree on Fullest Efforts. Impact: The West's efforts to retain U Thant led to the creation of an entirely new diplomatic strategy known as the 'Please Don't Go' approach, which is surprisingly effective at retaining people in both personal relationships and international politics.. Fact: Did you know that U Thant had a knack for playing hard to get? That's probably why the West was so eager to keep him around..
• Headline: Syria Sets Curfew, Charging Attempt To Topple Regime. Impact: Syria's sudden curfew and crackdown on plotters ironically led to a rise in the 'Stay Indoors' fashion trend, where everyone suddenly found themselves sporting pajamas as the new casual wear. Little did they know they were pioneers of remote work attire.. Fact: Did you know that setting curfews is a classic move for governments? It’s basically the adult version of saying, 'You can’t go out until you finish your homework.'.
• Headline: Transcript of the President's News Conference on Foreign and Domestic Matters; OPENING STATEMENT. Impact: Johnson's news conference and his refusal to speculate on a tax rise resulted in an immediate surge of people angrily typing in comments online, thinking that maybe if they typed loud enough, he would change his mind. Spoiler alert: he didn't.. Fact: Did you know that politicians love to avoid answering questions during press conferences? It’s their way of practicing for the Olympics of dodgeball..