SEPTEMBER 8, 1966

Full News Archive

• Headline: Goldman Resigns from White House Role. Impact: Goldman's resignation sparked a series of events that led to a sudden influx of philosophy majors into politics, resulting in an awkward era where every political debate felt like a poorly written college thesis.. Fact: Presidential aides should probably not be philosophers. Just imagine a debate where the President is asked to define 'is.'.
• Headline: Ethiopian Accuses Apartheid for Violence. Impact: This statement led to a domino effect that made 'blaming apartheid' an international trend, inspiring a slew of blame games that culminated in the world's first 'Blame Olympics' in the 1990s.. Fact: Apartheid became so popular to blame that it might as well have been a contestant on a reality show—'Who Gets the Blame?'.
• Headline: France Cuts NATO Military Payments. Impact: France's decision to cut payments resulted in a NATO budget crisis, which caused a ripple effect that ultimately led to the creation of the world's first 'Military GoFundMe' page.. Fact: France cutting payments is basically like your friend borrowing money and then 'forgetting' to pay you back—awkward but somehow predictable..
• Headline: Casualty Attribution Revised. Impact: This revision caused such a stir that historians later speculated it marked the beginning of a long and arduous journey towards accountability, which still has not quite reached its destination.. Fact: Revising casualty attribution is like trying to fix a math test after everyone has already seen the answers—good luck with that!.
• Headline: SINGAPORE MAKES PLEA ON RHODESIA; Lee Urges Africans to Give Sanctions a Last Chance. Impact: Lee's plea became the catalyst for a series of diplomatic efforts that eventually led to more countries realizing that 'sanctions' are just a fancy way of saying 'we're not sending you a birthday card this year.'. Fact: Sanctions are like time-outs for countries—everyone knows they don't really work, but we keep trying anyway!.
• Headline: New Dean for Mannes College. Impact: The appointment of J Goldmark as dean led to a bizarre recruitment drive that accidentally attracted a flock of avant-garde artists who thought they were applying for an art school instead of a music college.. Fact: Being a dean is basically like herding cats—if the cats were also trying to play the violin while discussing existentialism..
• Headline: G.O.P. MODERATES GET BROWN PRAISE; Governor Opens Drive for Re-election in California. Impact: Governor Brown's praise for moderates inadvertently led to a short-lived political movement where everyone identified as 'moderate' just to avoid confrontation—welcome to the age of political beige.. Fact: Being 'moderate' is basically the political equivalent of saying, 'I like pizza, but not too much cheese.'.
• Headline: Ky Asserts That de Gaulle Is Now Old and Obsolete. Impact: Ky's comment triggered a global trend of dismissing elder statesmen, resulting in an unprecedented rise in 'youthful' leaders who promptly forgot what history was.. Fact: Calling someone obsolete is a bold move—kind of like telling your grandma her flip phone is outdated while she still knows how to call the President..
• Headline: Congo Opposes Peking's Bid. Impact: Congo's opposition to Peking's bid set off a chain reaction of diplomatic tensions, eventually leading to the world's longest game of 'Who Can Hold a Grudge the Longest?'. Fact: Being anti-Communist was so trendy back then, you might as well have worn it on a t-shirt..