MAY 17, 1966

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mutual Funds Battle Fee Cuts Reform. Impact: The refusal to cut fees led to a generation of fund managers who used their savings to invest in avocado toast instead of retirement, ultimately crippling the economy one brunch at a time.. Fact: Did you know that the average mutual fund manager spends more time choosing their tie than actually managing your money? True story!.
• Headline: Britain Considers UN's Role in Aden Talks. Impact: This decision set off a chain reaction that had future generations of British politicians awkwardly apologizing at UN meetings, leading to an unprecedented rise in tea consumption during global crises.. Fact: Fun fact: The British are so polite, they could probably apologize to a tornado for ruining its day!.
• Headline: Gemini 9 Launch and Lunar Tests. Impact: The successful Gemini 9 mission inspired a long line of kids to want to be astronauts, leading to an unusual spike in space-themed birthday parties and the invention of moon-shaped piñatas.. Fact: Did you know the first astronaut to eat in space was actually just trying to avoid the dreaded 'space food' that resembled baby food? Talk about a cosmic diet fail!.
• Headline: Park Bill Sent to Committee. Impact: This bill's approval triggered a late-night committee meeting culture that still haunts bureaucrats today, leading to more coffee consumption and less actual work being done.. Fact: If you stacked all the committees formed in the name of parks, you could build a small mountain. Just don't expect any trees on it!.
• Headline: HIGH COURT BACKS S.E.C. UTILITY STEP; Agency Upheld in Ordering New England Electric to Sell Its 8 Gas Concerns Basis of Ruling Economics Seen Factor Busch Ruling Upheld. Impact: The court's decision led to a generation of lawyers who realized they could charge by the hour for arguing about electricity, creating a new sub-genre of legal drama called 'Law & Order: Power Surge.'. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more shocking than a power outage is how much lawyers charge for the 'light' work they do!.
• Headline: Boyhood Home of Johnson Designated U.S. Landmark. Impact: By designating Johnson's home as a landmark, future historians were doomed to spend hours sifting through memorabilia, inadvertently creating the first reality show about historical homes.. Fact: Did you know that every time a historic home gets designated, a hipster somewhere starts brewing artisanal coffee in its honor? It's the circle of life!.
• Headline: FLEMISH LOSE FIGHT TO SPLIT UNIVERSITY. Impact: The bishops' decision prevented a split, which in turn led to a stronger sense of unity, resulting in an annual festival celebrating the joy of not having to argue about language over textbooks.. Fact: In Belgium, the only thing more divisive than language is the debate over whether to put mayonnaise on fries. Priorities, right?.