APRIL 3, 1966

Full News Archive

• Headline: Court Orders Union to Resume Work. Impact: This rail union debacle set off a chain reaction that ultimately led to the advent of the unionized cat. Yes, cats started demanding better treatment, which resulted in the rise of cat cafes all over the world. Thanks, labor disputes!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more stubborn than a union leader is a cat refusing to budge off your keyboard?.
• Headline: The Cuban Enigma: Shifting Regime Dynamics. Impact: The weakening of Castro's regime led to a series of misguided attempts at diplomacy with Cuba, all of which were sabotaged by a mysterious figure known only as 'the guy in the Hawaiian shirt.'. Fact: Fun fact: Castro once tried to convince the world he was a great dancer. Spoiler alert: he was not..
• Headline: Glenda Jackson's Unique Literary Preferences. Impact: Glenda Jackson's preferences in superhero and music taste caused an existential crisis in the entertainment industry, leading to the invention of 'Batman and Sade' mashup albums that nobody asked for.. Fact: Did you know that Batman has had more love interests than a reality TV star? You'd think he could at least tolerate Sade..
• Headline: DANISH FARMERS 'DROWN' IN BACON; Surplus Arouses 'Hysteria' --Chicken Crisis Grows. Impact: The bacon surplus led to a bacon-fueled economy that momentarily made Denmark the world's bacon capital, until the inevitable bacon fatigue set in, causing an international crisis known as the 'Great Bacon Recession.'. Fact: Interesting fact: Denmark's national dish is actually a bacon-wrapped disappointment. Just kidding, it's probably just bacon..
• Headline: Waiting for the Fix. Impact: The publication of this book about heroin addiction inadvertently sparked the 'Mainline to Nowhere' movement, where people took up knitting as an alternative to substance abuse. Spoiler: knitting is far less addictive.. Fact: Did you know that heroin users and knitters share one thing in common? They both have an exceptional ability to ignore the world around them. One just has a more colorful yarn stash..
• Headline: Powder Metallurgy Industry Posts Record for Production. Impact: The record output of metal powders directly led to the creation of the most elaborate and unnecessary metal sculptures imaginable, including a life-sized replica of a cat made entirely out of copper.. Fact: Fun fact: If you melt down a metal sculpture, you can make a lot of small kitchen utensils. But why would you do that when you can just let it collect dust?.
• Headline: Dennison Elects President. Impact: P.B. Hamilton's election as president sparked a wave of enthusiasm that mysteriously vanished the moment he opened his mouth, leading to the invention of the 'silent presidency.'. Fact: Did you know that politics is just like a soap opera? Lots of drama, and nobody really knows what’s happening half the time..
• Headline: GREECE REJECTS FORCE ON TANKER; But She Acts With Britain to Halt Oil for Rhodesia. Impact: Greece's attempts to halt oil for Rhodesia inadvertently led to a global conspiracy theory that oil is actually sentient and has feelings about embargoes. The oil has since denied all allegations.. Fact: Did you know that oil is the only liquid that can make a politician sweat more than a lie detector test?.
• Headline: Medicare's First Test. Impact: Medicare's first test inadvertently led to the invention of the 'perpetual application' form, which now exists to haunt elderly citizens forever. They still haven't figured it out.. Fact: Fun fact: Medicare applications have been known to age faster than the people applying for them. Coincidence? I think not!.
• Headline: Reading Machines Serve Computers; Reading Machines for Computer Win Acceptance. Impact: The development of reading machines for computers led to an unending battle between humans and machines over who could read faster, culminating in the creation of the ultimate speed-reading competition: 'Read or be Deleted.'. Fact: Did you know that reading machines are also great at ignoring your existential dread? Just like humans, but with a lot less guilt..