JANUARY 25, 1966

Full News Archive

• Headline: Heroic Rescue of Seamen Amidst Turbulent Seas. Impact: If only that tanker had GPS, we might have avoided a future where everyone just relies on their smartphones for directions, leading to a world of distracted drivers and awkward roadside selfies.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more turbulent than those seas was the debate over who had the best rescue skills: the Coast Guard or the cast of 'Survivor'?.
• Headline: Auto Industry Urged to Address Highway Safety. Impact: This plea for car makers to self-regulate set the stage for future generations to argue about whether airbags should come standard or if 'Safety Optional' should be a thing.. Fact: Connor's idea of limiting government intervention was probably inspired by that one friend who always insists they can fix their own car, but ends up with a lawn ornament instead..
• Headline: Johnson's Historic $112.8 Billion Budget. Impact: This budget could be seen as the grandparent of all future deficits, leading to a world where people actually thought they could solve economic problems through sheer willpower and optimism.. Fact: Fun fact: For every billion spent on defense, there are at least ten million coffee breaks scheduled. Priorities, right?.
• Headline: Peru Accuses Soviet Union Of Violating U.N. Principle. Impact: Peru's bold accusation might have sparked a global trend of pointing fingers, leading to a world where every nation plays a game of 'Not It!' whenever something goes wrong.. Fact: Did you know that the Soviet Union was so good at violating principles that they might as well have opened a school for it? Enrollment was free, but attendance was mandatory..
• Headline: LAWRENCE SWIFT. Impact: Lawrence Swift's name being in the headlines has ironically made him the most Googled person in history, despite the fact that most people still have no idea who he is.. Fact: Swift's name is so catchy that I’m surprised it hasn’t been turned into a brand of energy drinks. ‘Lawrence Swift: For When You Need a Quick Boost!’.
• Headline: Presidents Are Named By Commodity Groups. Impact: The re-election of M S Fox could be seen as the moment when commodity groups officially decided that democracy was more about keeping the same people in power than about real change.. Fact: Commodity groups have been known to put the 'fun' in 'fundamental lack of innovation' since time immemorial. Who needs fresh ideas when you've got M S Fox?.
• Headline: Thant, in Message to India, Says Bhabha Inspired U.N.. Impact: Thant's tribute to Bhabha might have catalyzed a hidden rivalry where scientists start competing to see who can get the most heartfelt posthumous recognition.. Fact: Bhabha was such an inspiration that even the laws of physics seemed to bend a little in his favor. That's some serious influence!.
• Headline: Draft Inductees Barred From National Guard. Impact: Barred draft inductees from the National Guard set a precedent for all future military policies, ensuring that confusion and frustration would become a rite of passage for new recruits.. Fact: It's almost like the military said, 'We don’t want you if you’re too eager.' Talk about a mixed message!.
• Headline: Town of Banbury Decides To Leave Cross Where It Is. Impact: The decision to leave the cross where it is ensured that future generations would be forced to confront the age-old question: 'To move or not to move?'. Fact: It's almost poetic; sometimes the hardest decisions in life really do come down to a piece of wood and a town meeting..