JANUARY 9, 1966

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lafayette's Descendant Joins French Cabinet. Impact: When Count de Chambrun took office, he accidentally introduced a new trend in diplomatic fashion — berets paired with formal suits. This led to an international beret shortage by 1972, igniting a black market for stylish headwear.. Fact: Descendants of historical figures often get more attention than actual historical events. Maybe I should start wearing a powdered wig to get noticed..
• Headline: De Gaulle's Second Term Begins. Impact: De Gaulle's second term was so riveting, it inspired a new genre of French cinema — 'Boring Political Dramas.' This ultimately led to fewer people taking politics seriously, leaving the French to enjoy their baguettes in peace.. Fact: Retaining a post in a government cabinet is like getting a participation trophy in politics. Everyone gets one, but no one really cares..
• Headline: P Cutchin Secures New Contract with OSU. Impact: Cutchin's new 5-year pact with Oklahoma State led to a sudden spike in demand for cowboy hats across the state, causing a minor fashion crisis when everyone thought they could pull off the 'rancher look.'. Fact: Five-year contracts are like bad relationships — they seem promising at first but usually end with someone getting hurt and an awkward breakup..
• Headline: TRW and Honeywell Get A Navy Torpedo Contrac. Impact: The $42.5 million contract for torpedoes sparked a naval arms race that resulted in the invention of underwater drones, which later became the world's first delivery service for pizza underwater. It was a niche market.. Fact: Torpedoes: the only thing that can sink a ship faster than a bad investment in stocks..
• Headline: RAIL LINK SLATED IN PHILADELPHIA; Midcity Tunnel to Connect 2 Commuter Stations. Impact: The planned rail link in Philadelphia was so ambitious that it accidentally led to the creation of a new underground society, known as 'Tunnel Dwellers,' who still refuse to acknowledge the existence of the surface world.. Fact: Building tunnels is just a fancy way of saying, 'I don't want to deal with traffic.'.
• Headline: Educational Grant Given. Impact: The $84,640 grant for an educational center in Old Saybrook inadvertently sparked a state-wide debate over whether 'educational centers' are just fancy names for glorified babysitting services.. Fact: Grants for education are like unicorns — everyone talks about them, but few have actually seen one..
• Headline: New Anti-Semitism In Soviet Reported By American Jews. Impact: The report on anti-Semitism in the Soviet Union led to a global movement for awareness, which ironically resulted in more people learning to pronounce 'anti-Semitism' than 'Soviet Union' — a true linguistic victory.. Fact: Sometimes, it takes a report to remind people that humanity has a long way to go in the kindness department. Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: BUSINESS ACTIVITY HIGH, SURVEY FINDS. Impact: The high business activity survey made every small business owner think they were on the verge of becoming the next Steve Jobs, leading to an influx of homemade tech products that only ever worked in theory.. Fact: Surveys show that the only thing higher than business activity is optimism — usually followed by a sharp decline in reality..
• Headline: Donahue, Racing Star, Named Man of Year in Amateur Ranks. Impact: Donahue being named Man of the Year led to a nationwide obsession with amateur racing, resulting in a surge of backyard racing leagues where people raced lawnmowers instead of cars. Safety was, of course, optional.. Fact: Being named 'Man of the Year' in amateur racing is basically getting a gold star for not crashing into anything — a true achievement!.
• Headline: SHIRT PRODUCERS VOICE OPTIMISM; Industry Is Enthusiastic Over New Durable Press. Impact: The optimism voiced by shirt producers created a ripple effect where everyone thought they could market 'permanent-press' clothing, leading to the birth of 'wrinkle-free' culture, which still haunts us today.. Fact: Shirts that don't wrinkle are a lie — they're just plotting to make you feel bad about your laundry skills..