DECEMBER 4, 1965

Full News Archive

• Headline: May Craig Retires from Reporting Duties. Impact: May Craig's retirement set off a chain reaction, leading to a news vacuum that allowed conspiracy theorists to flourish. If only Craig had stayed, perhaps we wouldn't have had those wild 'aliens are controlling the stock market' rumors. Fact: Did you know that retiring reporters are like unicorns? They exist, but nobody really believes it until they see one. Bye, May!.
• Headline: The Life of Thomas A. Kenny. Impact: The mere existence of Thomas A. Kenny is enough to suggest that at least one person in history has had the name 'Thomas' and succeeded at something. We can only speculate on the alternate timelines where he was a rockstar instead. Fact: Did you know that 'Thomas' is the name of the most boring superhero ever? His power? Endless paperwork.
• Headline: PAUL S. ZUCKERiYIAN, BROKER HERE, WAS 66. Impact: Paul S. ZuckeriYIAN's career as a broker may have inspired someone to consider investing in stocks instead of, say, Beanie Babies. The financial world was saved from a plush disaster. Fact: Did you know that the stock market is just like a roller coaster? It has ups and downs, and you're likely to scream at least once during the ride.
• Headline: ZAMBIA CONSIDERS ASKING U.S. TROOPS; Kaunda Weighs Alternative if British Limit Aid. Impact: Kaunda's contemplation of U.S. troop presence could have altered the geopolitical landscape forever. Imagine a world where Zambia becomes the next military tourist hotspot. 'Visit Zambia: It's like Vegas but with more elephants!'. Fact: Did you know that asking for help from the U.S. is like inviting your in-laws to stay? You know it's going to be complicated.
• Headline: Jotaro Kawakami, Former Chief Of Japanese Socialists, Is Dead; Survived ,60 Attempt on Life by Right-Wing Youth Served in the Diet. Impact: Kawakami's death might have shifted the socialist movement in Japan, leading to a whole new generation of activists. His survival of so many assassination attempts could inspire future political thrillers — or a really bad action movie. Fact: Did you know that surviving 60 assassination attempts is a bit like winning the lottery? You just hope it doesn’t catch up with you in the end.
• Headline: Montevideo City Workers Out. Impact: The strike of city workers in Montevideo could be seen as the beginning of a global trend of workers realizing they can actually demand better treatment. Who knew a handful of workers could spark a worldwide revolution? Next stop: the moon!. Fact: Did you know that striking workers are just like superheroes? They wear capes of protest signs instead of spandex.
• Headline: HOFFA TAKES PLEA TO SUPREME COURT; Says U.S. Used Informer to Spy on His Lawyers. Impact: Hoffa's legal battles may have inspired the FBI to reconsider their methods. Had they known they would end up in a courtroom drama, perhaps they would have opted for a more subtle approach, like sending a bouquet of flowers. Fact: Did you know that lawyers are like lions? They both have a reputation for being fierce, and they can definitely smell fear!.
• Headline: Rev. Robert E. 6oodrich, 89, Served 46 Years in South. Impact: Rev. Goodrich's long service might have laid the groundwork for future generations of activists and community leaders. His legacy is a reminder that dedication can inspire change, even when it feels like the world is stuck in a loop of bad ideas. Fact: Did you know that 46 years of service is basically like being the tortoise in a race? Slow and steady wins the... oh wait, that’s not how that saying goes.
• Headline: Killer of 3 in Bank In Nebraska Guilty; Sentenced to Chair; U.S. JURY DOOMS BANK-KILLER OF 3. Impact: The sentencing of the bank killer reflects the long-standing issue of gun violence and its impact on society. One man's crime has set off countless conversations about justice, prevention, and the need for change. It's a sobering reminder of the weight of our actions. Fact: Did you know that the chair in 'death chair' is not really comfy? Because that would just be cruel irony.