NOVEMBER 17, 1965

Full News Archive

• Headline: Strengthening Democracy in Central America. Impact: If Central America had actually managed to strengthen its democratic structures, we'd probably have a lot more coffee and a lot fewer political scandals. Imagine a timeline where Panamanian politicians weren't just actors in the latest season of 'Who Wants to Rule the Hemisphere?'. Fact: Democracy in Central America is like a piñata: everyone wants a swing at it, but it's always a mess when you finally break it open.
• Headline: Mrs. Pandit's Concerns on China at U.N.. Impact: Mrs. Pandit's skepticism about civilizing China through a U.N. seat probably set off a chain reaction of mistrust that led to more diplomatic snacks at the U.N. meetings. Who knew that one woman's doubt could lead to endless buffet debates?. Fact: The U.N. seat for China was like a VIP pass to the coolest club in town, but Mrs. Pandit was pretty sure it came with a dress code nobody followed.
• Headline: New Venus Probe Launched by Soviet Union. Impact: The Soviet Venus probes could have been the key to interplanetary diplomacy. Instead, they just made sure that aliens would think Earth is a place where sending things into the void is a habit. Thanks, Russia!. Fact: If there are aliens out there, they probably have a collection of Soviet probes that they use as lawn decorations. 'Look, there's the one from the 60s!'.
• Headline: MOSES IS ACCUSED OF IGNORING PLEA; McLaughlin Says He Tried to Delay Expressway Report. Impact: The expressway report debacle shows that even Moses couldn't part the traffic jams. Imagine if he had just used his powers for better urban planning; we could have avoided yelling at GPS devices. Fact: R. Moses must have had an interesting time convincing people that delaying traffic reports was a divine strategy for better commuting. Spoiler: it wasn't.
• Headline: APPEAL BY THANT ON VIETNAM ASKS FOR COMPROMISE; He Says 'Major Concessions' Could Still Bring About Peace Negotiations RECALLS HANOI'S OFFER In Speech Alluding to U.S. Refusal in '64, He Asserts 'Bold Steps' Were Needed THANT IN APPEAL ON VIETNAM WAR. Impact: The Briton acquitted of stealing a Goya painting but convicted for the frame demonstrates that sometimes it's the little things that can land you in hot water. In an alternate timeline, he becomes a celebrated art thief known for only taking the frames. Fact: In Britain, legal definitions are so specific, you'd think they were trying to win a game of Scrabble instead of prosecuting a thief.
• Headline: BRITON ACQUITTED OF STEALING GOYA; But Admitted Thief Is Guilty of Taking the Frame. Impact: If banks had gone through with their plans for the city bond issue, we might have witnessed the birth of a new era called 'Borrowing: The Musical.' Instead, we just got more financial drama. Fact: Banks dropping options on bonds is like a bad breakup; nobody wants to admit it, but we all know it was coming.
• Headline: CHURCH AND STATE FEUDING IN GREECE; Cathedral Is Locked in Fight Over Bishops' Transfer. Impact: If Britain had actually called for a new election, it might have sparked a trend of political instability that would have had the entire continent singing 'Election Fever' as a new anthem. Fact: Britain aiming for new elections is like watching a soap opera: you know there's drama, but half the time you can't figure out who’s mad at whom.
• Headline: Election Called British Aim; BRITAIN IS AIMING FOR NEW ELECTION. Impact: Fair's agreement to raise payments might have led to a financial renaissance where companies actually cared about their investors. What a world that would have been; we could have called it 'The Age of Financial Enlightenment.'. Fact: When companies start talking about fair payments, it's like a kid saying they’ll share their candy—everyone's skeptical, and we all know there's a catch somewhere.