NOVEMBER 16, 1965

Full News Archive

• Headline: Essentials of High-Speed Driving Revealed. Impact: If everyone had actually followed this rule since the dawn of driving, we might have had fewer bumper stickers proclaiming 'I brake for squirrels' and more actual road safety.. Fact: In the time it takes to read this headline, you could have gotten into a fender bender—because clearly, speed limits are just suggestions..
• Headline: Polish Leadership Visits Belgrade. Impact: This meeting sparked a series of diplomatic dinners that ultimately led to the world's longest running argument over who makes the best pierogi.. Fact: Rumor has it that the only thing more difficult than Polish politics is trying to pronounce 'Cyrankiewicz' correctly..
• Headline: Court Voids Literacy Test in Spanish. Impact: This ruling led to a significant increase in voter participation among Puerto Ricans, which inadvertently fueled a taco truck boom in the Bronx. Who knew democracy could be so delicious?. Fact: The only thing more complicated than the Voting Rights Act is understanding why some people think literacy tests were a good idea in the first place..
• Headline: Allen B. Du Mont Is Dead at 64; Devised Vital TV Component; Developer of Cathode-Ray Tube Cut Its Cost to on Economic Level. Impact: Without Du Mont's innovation, we might still be watching black-and-white TV on bulky sets—imagine the collective disappointment during family movie nights!. Fact: Du Mont's invention was so revolutionary that it made everyone forget about the other guy who invented watching paint dry..
• Headline: A MARXIST PARTY GROWS IN TURKEY; Labor Group Is Vocal in Opposing U.S. Bases. Impact: The rise of this party forever changed the political landscape, leading to more intense debates over whether to serve tea or coffee during diplomatic discussions.. Fact: In the grand scheme of history, this party's growth probably would have gone unnoticed if it weren't for the endless supply of pamphlets featuring very stern-looking people..
• Headline: REFORMERS FIGHT PRAGUE BARRIERS; Economic Revision Resisted Despite Official Sanction. Impact: This struggle taught future generations that bureaucracies never die; they just multiply like rabbits on a carrot farm.. Fact: The only thing more stubborn than entrenched bureaucracy is a cat refusing to leave a sunbeam..
• Headline: Atlantic Institute Is Stressing Joint Study of Problems. Impact: This initiative led to the creation of a new genre of academic papers titled 'Problems We Created Together'—a favorite among procrastinators.. Fact: The joint study of problems is just code for 'let's share the blame for our collective failures!'.
• Headline: Astronaut' on Wheels; Craig Norman Breedlove. Impact: Breedlove's eccentricity paved the way for future lunatics to think they could conquer the universe from a sofa on wheels—talk about aiming low!. Fact: The first person to put wheels on a space suit was just trying to avoid a long walk back to the shuttle..