OCTOBER 5, 1965

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dirksen's Filibuster on Right-to-Work Repeal. Impact: Dirksen's filibuster creates an alternate reality where the phrase 'Right-to-Work' is replaced by 'Right-to-Whine,' leading to a nationwide increase in complaints about work conditions, eventually resulting in the invention of the 'complaint box' that mysteriously disappears every week.. Fact: Filibustering is basically political yoga. Stretching the truth and bending over backwards for hours on end!.
• Headline: Vietcong Bridge Ambush and Combat Escalation. Impact: The repeated ambush inspires a series of terrible 'Bridge' movies in Hollywood, where actors try to take back control of various fictional bridges, leading to an annual 'Bridge Day' where everyone dresses as their favorite bridge character.. Fact: Ambushes have been a favorite tactic since the dawn of time, mainly because who doesn’t love a good surprise party?.
• Headline: POPE'S VISIT POSES PROTOCOL PROBLEMS. Impact: The Pope's protocol issues lead to new Vatican guidelines that eventually inspire a global etiquette handbook, causing an international crisis when people start using 'Papal Protocol' to excuse their bad manners.. Fact: The only thing more complicated than the Pope's schedule is the etiquette surrounding how to address him. Is it 'Your Holiness' or 'Hey, Pope Dude!'?.
• Headline: BOOK REVEALS NEW DATA ON HITLER'S YOUTH. Impact: The revelations about Hitler's youth lead historians to believe that if only he had taken up gardening instead of painting, world history could have included a 'Green Thumb Dictator' who simply wanted to plant flowers everywhere.. Fact: Hitler's love for art might have changed the world if he had just been more passionate about watercolors instead of world domination..
• Headline: Griffith Defeats Scott. Impact: Griffith's victory in the ring sparks a series of knock-off boxing movies where everyone in the audience suddenly believes they can become heavyweight champions, leading to a nationwide epidemic of amateur boxing matches in backyards.. Fact: Boxing: the only sport where getting knocked out is considered a badge of honor. Just ask every boxer ever!.
• Headline: RAPHAEL BRIBERY CASE IN ISRAEL PROMPTS NEW RELIGIOUS DISPUTE. Impact: The bribery case ignites a religious debate that leads to the establishment of a new sect dedicated solely to the worship of fair play, eventually resulting in annual 'Honesty Festivals' that attract more attendees than most major holidays.. Fact: In the world of politics, a good bribe is worth its weight in gold... or at least a nice dinner..
• Headline: VIETCONG ENTRENCHED IN REMOTE SOUTH VIETNAM PROVINCE. Impact: The Vietcong's entrenchment leads to an unexpected surge in local tourism as thrill-seekers flock to the area, turning it into a bizarre 'battlefield escape room' experience.. Fact: Entrenchment in warfare is a lot like being stuck in traffic: the longer you stay, the more you question your life choices..
• Headline: FORTAS TAKES SEAT IN HIGH COURT. Impact: Fortas's swearing-in creates a ripple effect resulting in the first-ever Supreme Court debate on whether or not to allow cats as honorary justices, leading to a brief era of feline jurisprudence.. Fact: Supreme Court justices are known for their wisdom, but let’s be honest: it’s mainly about who can wear the most ridiculous robes..