AUGUST 17, 1965

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tragic Incident of Tennis Stars in Michigan. Impact: The tragic drowning of tennis stars in Michigan Lake led to an unprecedented surge in the popularity of paddleboarding, as people collectively decided that standing on a board was safer than swimming. This also resulted in the creation of the 'Paddleboard Grand Slam' tournament, which has now overshadowed traditional tennis events.. Fact: Did you know that paddleboarding was actually invented as a way to avoid swimming near drowning tennis players? Just kidding, but wouldn’t that be a fun origin story?.
• Headline: HOUSE LEADERS BOW TO 'BREAD TAX' FOES. Impact: The House leaders bowing to 'bread tax' foes led to an unexpected rise in artisanal bread makers, causing an economic boom in hipster bakeries. This also inadvertently started a worldwide trend of tax-free bread, which was ironically taxed by the hipster community in the form of a 'flour tax.'. Fact: Did you know that the term 'breadwinner' was originally coined during this debate? It was meant to describe anyone who could afford overpriced sourdough..
• Headline: Space Scientist Withdraws As Head of Case Institute. Impact: The withdrawal of a space scientist from the Case Institute created a vacuum that allowed for the rise of amateur astronomers who believed they could successfully launch their own missions to Mars using nothing more than a slingshot and a dream. Spoiler alert: Mars is still safe.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more inflated than the dreams of amateur astronomers is the price of telescope accessories? Astronomy: the hobby where you spend a fortune to see a dot in the sky..
• Headline: Israeli Youths Protest. Impact: The protests by Israeli youths against Ambassador Pauls sparked a series of international youth movements that focused on the power of social media, leading to the hashtag #YouthAgainstAuthority going viral. This ultimately resulted in every adult's worst nightmare: the rise of the 'influencer politician.'. Fact: Did you know that youth protests were originally organized via handwritten letters? Imagine the postal service getting overwhelmed by teenagers demanding Wi-Fi access instead!.
• Headline: Los Angeles Whites Voice Racial Fears; Los Angeles Whites Buy Guns As Tension From Riots Spreads. Impact: When Los Angeles whites voiced racial fears and bought guns, it created a booming market for self-defense classes that were ironically taught by the very communities they feared. This led to unexpected friendships and a new reality show: 'Fear, Firearms, and Friends.'. Fact: Did you know that the original title for that reality show was 'How Not to Be a Jerk'? But they figured that was too on-the-nose..
• Headline: JAKARTA JOINING A LEFTIST 'AXIS'; Sukarno Says He Will Help Reds Fight Imperialists -- Urges U.S. to Get Out. Impact: Sukarno's declaration of an anti-imperialism axis led to a series of misunderstandings at international summits, where nations thought 'axis' meant they were forming a new roller coaster theme park. This resulted in a surge of thrill-seeking diplomacy that turned serious discussions into amusement park rides.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more chaotic than a diplomatic summit is trying to get world leaders on the same roller coaster? Spoiler alert: there were no loops, only squabbles..
• Headline: Minister Finds a Building For His Narcotics Center. Impact: The establishment of a narcotics center by Rev. Pitcaithly and Rabbi Schachet led to a surprising increase in community support services, inspiring a nationwide movement to turn local churches and synagogues into multi-service centers. This resulted in the first 'Faith and Fitness' gym opened by a pastor and a rabbi.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing harder than getting people to workout is getting them to stop talking about how they used to workout? Welcome to every gym ever..