JUNE 23, 1965

Full News Archive

• Headline: Governors Combat Offshore Oil Production Surge. Impact: This meeting sparked a secret society of governors who would later form a coalition dedicated to ocean conservation, ultimately leading to the creation of the first underwater pizza delivery service. Yes, you read that right.. Fact: Turns out, fighting offshore threats has less to do with ocean pollution and more with who gets to control the pizza toppings. #GoverningPriorities.
• Headline: Appointment of Associate Dean at Wesleyan. Impact: This appointment set off a chain reaction in academia where every college suddenly felt the need to hire more associate deans in hopes of boosting their prestige, leading to a nationwide shortage of actual professors.. Fact: Being an 'associate' dean means you get to do all the work without any of the power. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?.
• Headline: Tribute to 8enlamin L. Biauvelt. Impact: His passing sent shockwaves through the legal and engineering communities, resulting in a temporary shortage of old-timey wisdom, which ironically led to a spike in bad construction and even worse contracts.. Fact: At 97, Biauvelt was just three years shy of reaching the 'I can say whatever I want and get away with it' age. Time to step up, younger folks!.
• Headline: Cigarette Warning Is Voted by House; TOBACCO WARNING IS VOTED BY HOUSE. Impact: This decision set off a domino effect resulting in the tobacco industry launching an ad campaign that cleverly misled the public, leading to an increase in chain smoking and the eventual invention of the 'smoker's lounge' in every office space.. Fact: It's funny how a warning can sometimes be just another invitation. 'Caution: May cause lung cancer' really means 'Enjoy your smoke!'.
• Headline: U.S. JETS ATTACK NORTH OF HANOI, NEAR RED CHINA; Planes Strike Ammunition Dump and Barracks Area Beyond the Capital. Impact: This military action created a ripple effect in international relations, prompting the establishment of secret peace talks that eventually led to the invention of the 'Hanoi Chill Out Festival,' where diplomats awkwardly danced to 1960s pop.. Fact: Airstrikes have a way of bringing people together... just not in the way you might think..
• Headline: Suffolk Aide Sees Gangster Influence; L. I. AIDE CHARGES GANG INFLUENCE. Impact: The allegations of gangster influence led to an underground movement where aspiring politicians began taking improv classes to better handle 'friendly' mob negotiations, resulting in the most dramatic city council meetings in history.. Fact: When politics gets too intense, it’s always good to have a backup plan—like becoming a stand-up comedian..
• Headline: Johnson Ends Suspension On Food Aid for U.A.R.; SUSPENSION OF AID TO CAIRO IS LIFTED. Impact: By lifting the suspension, it inadvertently spurred a culinary renaissance in Cairo that resulted in the first international hummus competition, which is still fiercely contested today.. Fact: Lifting aid is like lifting a diet—everyone's thrilled at first until they realize it means more food and less willpower!.
• Headline: ASSEMBLY PASSES CITY FISCAL BILLS; SESSION NEAR END; Wagner Package, the Last Block to Adjournment, Is Voted With G.O.P. Aid EXTRA BUDGET ADOPTED It Includes an Added $1,000 Allowance for Legislators and Payment on L.I.R.R. ASSEMBLY PASSES KEY WAGNER BILL. Impact: This fiscal maneuver led to a significant uptick in the number of lawmakers mysteriously 'losing' their expense reports, which ultimately resulted in a massive increase in dubious lunch meetings.. Fact: Who knew that the secret to a balanced budget was just giving everyone a little more cash and hoping for the best? Classic government!.
• Headline: NEW GAINS SHOWN BY PAYMENTS PLAN. Impact: The repatriation of funds triggered a financial frenzy among companies, leading to the first-ever 'money parade,' complete with floats and confetti made of dollar bills, quickly becoming a national holiday.. Fact: Repatriating funds is just fancy talk for 'let's bring our money home so we can spend it on things we don't need!'.