JUNE 5, 1965

Full News Archive

• Headline: Glenn M. Trumbo's Historic Legacy. Impact: Glenn M. Trumbo's name might not have had much impact at the time, but centuries later, a distant relative will accidentally invent a time machine while trying to make the perfect sandwich. Spoiler: it involves a lot of mustard.. Fact: Did you know Glenn M. Trumbo was so obscure that even Google has trouble finding him? They still recommend searching for 'how to make the best sandwich' instead..
• Headline: Illinois Congressional Redistricting Struck Down. Impact: The Illinois Supreme Court's ruling led to a domino effect where states began re-evaluating their districting. This eventually resulted in a 22nd-century law preventing politicians from playing hide-and-seek with voting districts, but good luck with that!. Fact: Did you know that this ruling was the legal equivalent of a toddler refusing to share their toys? Because, honestly, no one likes a selfish gerrymandering politician!.
• Headline: Squillante Pleads Not Guilty To L.I. Extortion Indictment. Impact: Squillante's not guilty plea inspired a future generation of lawyers to boldly declare that 'not guilty' is just a suggestion, leading to a reality TV show where lawyers argue cases while juggling flaming swords.. Fact: Did you know that pleading not guilty is like saying, 'I promise I won't rob a bank' right before you do? The irony is delicious..
• Headline: G.O.P. MAY OPPOSE RACE BY MITCHELL; Butex-State Senator on East Side Plans Primary Fight. Impact: The G.O.P.'s opposition to Mitchell set off a chain reaction, leading to a future where political parties become reality TV stars, competing for votes like it's a season finale of 'Survivor: Election Edition.'. Fact: Did you know that political opposition is basically like a bunch of toddlers arguing over who gets the last cookie? Spoiler: the cookie is always the voter..
• Headline: PHILIP P. DRESBACH. Impact: Philip P. Dresbach’s name might not ring any bells, but in an alternate universe, he becomes a famous dog trainer who teaches dogs to recite Shakespearean sonnets. They’re still working on Hamlet.. Fact: Did you know that Philip P. Dresbach is so famous in some circles that even his shadow has its own fan club? The secret? It’s always right behind him..
• Headline: PERU'S RULING PARTY BACKS OIL SEIZURE. Impact: Peru's oil seizure decision sparked a movement that eventually leads to a global 'No More Oil' campaign, which ironically results in a resurgence of horse-drawn carriages and artisanal candle makers.. Fact: Did you know that nationalizing oil has been the go-to plan for politicians since the dawn of time? It's like saying, 'Hey, let's just take that thing I can’t afford!'.
• Headline: Rector to Be Installed At All Saints Church. Impact: The installation of a rector at All Saints Church led to a future where clergy become influencers, getting millions of followers for their divine life hacks and holy cooking shows.. Fact: Did you know that installing a rector is like getting a new Wi-Fi router? It’s supposed to improve the connection, but sometimes it just leaves you buffering in awkward silence..
• Headline: Russians Urged to Preserve Memorials of Past; Writer Appeals for a Greater Consciousness of History -- Restorations Praised. Impact: This call to preserve memorials ignites a global trend where history buffs start hoarding relics, leading to the creation of underground museums and a reality show called 'Hoarders: History Edition.'. Fact: Did you know that preserving memorials in Russia is like trying to convince cats to take a bath? Good luck getting consensus on what to keep and what to toss!.