MAY 28, 1965

Full News Archive

• Headline: Court Upholds English-Only Literacy Tests. Impact: By enforcing English-only literacy tests, this decision inadvertently led to a surge in clandestine language schools. Fast forward a few decades, and you have a thriving underground market for bilingual dictionaries, complete with secret handshakes.. Fact: Fun fact: English was once just a collection of random words thrown together by invading Vikings and Norman conquerors. So, naturally, we decided that was the only language fit for testing literacy..
• Headline: Women Voters League Elects New Leader. Impact: The election of Mrs. I Toback marked the beginning of a long line of women leaders, eventually leading to the creation of a secret society of women who could apparently run anything but a bakery without a crisis.. Fact: Mrs. Toback's election was such a monumental event that it brought about the first known instance of 'presidential envy' among men. Who knew leadership could come with so much drama?.
• Headline: Venezuelan Red Deported to Milan Detained. Impact: The deportation of this man set off a chain reaction of international misunderstandings, resulting in a new Milanese fashion trend: 'Prison Chic.'. Fact: Did you know that being held in police custody in Milan is considered a rite of passage for aspiring fashion influencers? It's true—check Instagram!.
• Headline: MAN-MADE FIBERS EXPECTED TO GAIN; Celanese Aide Sees Output Climbing 40% by 1970. Impact: The prediction of a 40% increase in man-made fibers led to an unexpected boom in synthetic fabric parties, where people dressed exclusively in polyester and pretended it was haute couture.. Fact: Fun fact: 'man-made fibers' sounds way cooler than 'plastic threads'—but they both have the same charm of making your skin itch..
• Headline: ISOLATED REGION BEARS OUT THEORY; Community in the Southeast Follows Genetic Pattern. Impact: The discovery of a genetic pattern in an isolated community resulted in a reality TV show where contestants attempt to trace their ancestry back to this region, causing widespread confusion and hilarious DNA mix-ups.. Fact: Genetic patterns are like the original family trees, except with fewer branches and more awkward family reunions..
• Headline: Chicago School Board Rehires Superintendent. Impact: The rehire of Superintendent Willis led to an unprecedented spike in paperclip sales, as the school board now needed twice the amount to hold together the ever-increasing paperwork of ‘educational reform.’. Fact: Did you know that school boards are basically the adult version of a playground? The drama is just as intense, but with fewer swings and more coffee breaks..
• Headline: Army to Retire a Nuclear Weapon; ARMY WILL RETIRE NUCLEAR WEAPON. Impact: The retirement of a nuclear weapon was so shocking that it sparked a series of global 'retirement parties' for outdated military tech, inspiring the first-ever 'Weapons of Mass Retirement' gala.. Fact: Nuclear weapons have feelings too, you know. It's not easy to retire something you once thought was your ultimate insurance policy against global threats..
• Headline: Party Meeting Put Off. Impact: The postponement of the party meeting led to a nationwide shortage of coffee as everyone frantically brewed their own to cope with the uncertainty of political timelines.. Fact: Political party meetings are the only gatherings where the coffee is stronger than the decisions made—it's the ultimate paradox..