MAY 11, 1965

Full News Archive

• Headline: Scholarship Law Expanded for Out-of-State Colleges. Impact: The easing of scholarship laws may have led to a surge in students studying abroad, resulting in the invention of 'extreme backpacking' and the rise of overpriced travel blogs. Thanks, lawmakers!. Fact: This change means students can now study at out-of-state colleges, because who wouldn't want to pay twice as much for a degree in a city with worse weather?.
• Headline: Investigation into Service Academy Admissions. Impact: This inquiry into service academies probably led to a secret handshake among future military leaders that is now used at every barbecue. The real danger? Overcooked burgers.. Fact: Service academies are known for producing some of the highest-ranking military officials. It’s like the Ivy League for people who like to wear uniforms and shout orders..
• Headline: Eisenhower Car Looted While Parked in Capital. Impact: Eisenhower’s loss of his car may have prompted a series of unfortunate parking experiences for future presidents, leading to a nationwide trend of 'Presidential Parking Fines' that still plagues Washington today.. Fact: Imagine if Eisenhower had installed a GPS tracker in his car—would history have changed? Probably not, but we might have a much better idea of where he went on weekends!.
• Headline: MOVE TO EQUALIZE TAXES CONSIDERED; White House Studies Excise Cuts on Jan. 1 to Offset Social Security Rise MOVE TO EQUALIZE TAXES IS WEIGHED. Impact: This tax equalization may have sparked a nationwide debate about the fairness of taxes, leading to the creation of countless memes about taxes being like socks—no one really likes them, but we all have to deal with them.. Fact: The White House studying excise cuts is like your friend promising to ‘think about’ going to the gym—nothing ever really changes..
• Headline: Red Cross Head Renamed To His Sixth 3-Year Term. Impact: Renaming the Red Cross head might have inadvertently set off a chain reaction of organizations using 'rebranding' as a way to distract from their internal problems. Behold, the rise of buzzwords!. Fact: E. R. Harriman's sixth term means he must have really enjoyed those fancy dinner parties—who knew saving lives could come with such a great social calendar?.
• Headline: Ballerina Feted In 'Circusy' Tent On Staten Island; Dame Margot Fonteyn Is Guest at Party That Costs About $10,000. Impact: This lavish party for a ballerina could have inspired a new trend of extravagant celebrity parties, paving the way for Instagram influencers to spend thousands on avocado toast and 'unique experiences' that no one really understands.. Fact: Dame Margot Fonteyn’s $10,000 party was probably just her friends trying to outdo each other with increasingly ridiculous gifts—because nothing says ‘I appreciate your art’ like a diamond-encrusted tutu..
• Headline: Wilson Orders Spying Inquiry; 2 Britons Get Long Sentences; Wilson Orders Spying inquiry; 2 Britons Get Long Sentences. Impact: The spying inquiry might have made future spies rethink their career choices, leading to a surge in espionage-themed movies and the rise of ‘spy culture’ among millennials, who now think they can outsmart the CIA with a smartphone.. Fact: Turns out selling secrets to the USSR wasn’t a great career move. Who knew treason could get you a longer prison sentence than a parking violation?.
• Headline: U.S. Jet Reported Hit in Laos. Impact: The report of a U.S. jet in Laos could have inadvertently sparked a whole genre of action films where jets are constantly getting shot at, ensuring that Hollywood never runs out of explosions and plane crashes.. Fact: Laos has become a popular destination for adventurous travelers. Little do they know, it also has a history of being a hot spot for U.S. military activity. Talk about a mixed bag of tourism!.
• Headline: CEYLON SETS PACT ON OIL SEIZURES; Says Esso, Caltex and Shell Agree to $8 Million Deal. Impact: The oil seizure pact might have led to a new era of corporate diplomacy, where oil companies began to develop secret handshakes and special 'oil club' memberships, leaving the rest of us in the dark about their lavish parties.. Fact: An $8 million deal sounds impressive, but in the oil business, that’s probably just enough to fill up a few fancy cars at the company retreat..