APRIL 18, 1965

Full News Archive

• Headline: Kenyan Students Seek U.S. Scholarships. Impact: These Kenyan students coming to the U.S. sparked an unforeseen influx of African intellectuals, which eventually led to a series of hip coffee shops catering to a new generation of latte-loving political activists. Who knew a scholarship could brew revolution?. Fact: The only thing more surprising than students leaving the Soviet Union for U.S. scholarships is that they didn’t just apply for reality TV shows instead..
• Headline: Montreal's Historical Section Restoration Efforts. Impact: The restoration of historical sections in Montreal led to the inadvertent discovery of a time portal hidden behind a wall, inadvertently sending a group of tourists back to the 18th century. They now run a thriving artisanal cheese business.. Fact: Montreal's historical sections are so well-preserved, they could probably charge rent to history enthusiasts. Just don’t touch the walls—they might just be portals..
• Headline: Textile Workers End Strike at Pepperell Plant. Impact: The end of the strike at the Pepperell plant resulted in a chain reaction that led to the rise of the 'Happiness Index' for workers, which later became the basis for a wildly popular but utterly pointless reality show.. Fact: 5% wage increase? Wow, that’s almost enough to buy a cup of coffee at the fancy place downtown. But hey, at least they’re not striking anymore, right?.
• Headline: J.B.O'CONNORDIES, INDUSTRIALIST, 68; Led Dresser Companies. OiI.Equiprnent Group Sptll to T'ne. Impact: J.B. O'Connoirdies' passing marked the end of an era in the oil equipment industry, which set off a bizarre chain of events where oil tycoons began to wear monocles and top hats in a desperate attempt to seem more sophisticated.. Fact: O'Connoirdies was known as the man who put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional oil industry.'.
• Headline: TOBACCO CALLED HELP IN LEARNING; Biochemist Tells of Benefit in Small Doses of Smoke. Impact: The biochemist's claim about tobacco aiding learning led to a brief surge in hipster students puffing on 'study cigars,' creating a paradox where smoking became an intellectual fashion statement and led to a rise in poor health choices.. Fact: Tobacco: the only thing that can convince you that burning leaves can make you smarter. Next up: 'caffeine-infused yoga' to stimulate enlightenment!.
• Headline: But No Off Colors. Impact: The article about 'color girls' led to the establishment of a whole new profession: the 'Color Balancer,' which became an essential role on film sets, leading to a generation of people who can accurately identify 50 shades of beige.. Fact: If only they had a job for those who can balance their own lives as well as colors. That would be a blockbuster!.
• Headline: U.S. TEST RELEASES SOME RADIOACTIVITY. Impact: The radioactive release from the U.S. test led to a massive increase in conspiracy theories about the government, resulting in the formation of a new underground society dedicated to 'truth-seeking' and making tinfoil hats fashionable.. Fact: Turns out, releasing radioactivity is a great way to get people to talk about you—just ask any celebrity who's had a scandal..
• Headline: SOVIET MAY SEND HANOI VOLUNTEERS; Conditions Offer on Request From North Vietnam and Intensified U.S. Drive. Impact: The Soviet's offer to send volunteers to Hanoi sparked a new wave of geopolitical chess, where countries began recruiting 'volunteers' from other nations, leading to a global trend of questionable military service recruitment ads.. Fact: Nothing says 'we're serious about peace' like sending in more people to a war-torn area. It’s like sending a cake to a weight-loss seminar..
• Headline: INSURERS SPEED TORNADO CLAIMS; Fast Wind-Damage Action Praised, but Many Flood Victims Aren't Covered LINEMEN ALSO POPULAR Power Is Restored Quickly for Devastated Areas of the Middle West INSURERS SPEED TORNADO CLAIMS. Impact: Insurers speeding up tornado claims led to them becoming the most popular people in town—until the flood victims showed up and turned their praise into a competition of who could complain the loudest.. Fact: Insurers moving faster than the wind? Next, we’ll have them offering to run marathons while they’re at it. At least they don’t send you a bill for emotional damages, right?.