MARCH 26, 1965

Full News Archive

• Headline: Chou En-lai Advocates Soviet Alliance. Impact: Chou's musings about a Sino-Soviet alliance led to an awkward dinner at the 'We're Definitely Not Planning to Take Over the World' banquet, where everyone brought their best 'we love peace' casserole. Fast forward a few decades, and you have a chilling Cold War vibe that made everyone rethink their party invitations.. Fact: Did you know that while Chou was busy playing diplomatic chess, most people just wanted to watch the latest episode of 'Who Will Get Invaded Next?'.
• Headline: Mrs. Rabinavicius Ties the Knot. Impact: Mrs. Rabinavicius marrying may have sparked a chain reaction of wedding invitations that resulted in a global postal crisis. Not to mention, now every couple thinks they can have a wedding of the century.. Fact: Did you know that weddings statistically increase the chances of receiving unsolicited advice on how to run your life? Thanks, Mrs. Rabinavicius!.
• Headline: Columbia and Stanford Alumni Award Victory. Impact: Columbia and Stanford winning the Alumni Council's award set off a rivalry so intense that it fueled countless coffee shop debates about which school was the real Ivy League contender. Spoiler alert: It’s still a fight no one cares about except the alumni.. Fact: Did you know that alumni awards are basically just the adult version of getting a gold star in kindergarten? Congrats, Columbia and Stanford, you get a shiny sticker!.
• Headline: ALBANY PUTS OFF BLUE CROSS VOTE; Democrats in Senate Spurn Request by Rockefeller ALBANY PUTS OFF BLUE CROSS VOTE. Impact: The Democrats putting off the Blue Cross vote created a ripple effect of bureaucratic procrastination, leading to an entire generation of politicians thinking 'we’ll get to it later' is a valid life motto. Who knew it would become a national pastime?. Fact: Did you know that delaying votes is a time-honored tradition in politics? It's like waiting to do laundry until you're down to your last pair of socks..
• Headline: BURUNDI PLAGUED BY TRIBAL TERROR; Murder of Docile Bahutus by Watusis Goes Unpunished. Impact: The violence in Burundi caused a global awareness that somehow resulted in a lot of people deciding to completely ignore the deeper issues, opting instead for hashtags and coffee shop discussions that lasted about as long as a Snapchat story.. Fact: Did you know that tribal violence is a complex issue often oversimplified by people who think a well-placed tweet can fix everything? Spoiler: It can't..
• Headline: Top Executive Named By Harry M. Stevens. Impact: The appointment of J B Stevens Jr. as an executive likely led to extensive meetings filled with jargon and buzzwords that have since become the bane of existence in corporate America. Thanks to him, we now have PowerPoint presentations that last longer than most relationships.. Fact: Did you know that most executive decisions come with a side of confusion and a sprinkle of regret? That's just corporate life, baby!.
• Headline: 2 Who 'Confessed' In Hammer Slaying Cleared by Hogan; Hogan Drops Case Against Two Who Had 'Confessed' to Murder. Impact: The case being dropped against those who 'confessed' may have inspired a new trend of 'confession' as a form of self-expression. Fast forward, and you've got reality TV stars confessing to every little thing while the rest of us just roll our eyes.. Fact: Did you know that 'confessions' are often just a dramatic way of saying 'oops, my bad'? Not exactly the courtroom drama we signed up for!.
• Headline: !Anne LibbN Stevens Will Become Bride. Impact: The wedding of Anne LibbN Stevens sparked a flurry of speculation about who would wear the most extravagant wedding dress, leading to an entire industry dedicated to trying to one-up each other at weddings. Thanks, Anne!. Fact: Did you know that weddings are the only place where you can spend a fortune to look fabulous for one day and then have to relive the awkwardness of Aunt Edna's dance moves in the video forever?.
• Headline: Elliott Wins First Event In N.C.A.A. Title Skiing. Impact: Elliott winning the NCAA skiing title inspired a generation of wannabe Olympians, leading to the tragic yet hilarious phenomenon of countless backyard ski jumps that resulted in more injuries than medals. Thanks for the inspiration, Elliott!. Fact: Did you know that skiing is the only sport where you can simultaneously feel like a superhero and an absolute klutz? Just ask anyone who’s ever wiped out on a bunny slope..