MARCH 23, 1965

Full News Archive

• Headline: Moderate Leader Elected in Argentina's School. Impact: The election of the moderate H. Fernandez sent shockwaves through time, inspiring a generation of moderates who would eventually lead an army of well-meaning politicians, only to be met with indifference from an electorate more interested in cat videos.. Fact: Moderate politicians love to remind you they're 'not extreme'—like a tofu burger at a barbecue..
• Headline: Upcoming Appeals Court on Districting Case. Impact: The appeals court hearing created a butterfly effect that inspired every future lawyer to dramatically raise their fees, convinced they were part of something monumental, when really they were just rescheduling paperwork.. Fact: Judges are like referees—nobody really likes them until they make a call that benefits you..
• Headline: Follow-Up Parley on Market Proposed. Impact: Erhard and Spaak's meeting led to an unprecedented series of diplomatic summits, which ultimately caused a global rise in the consumption of overpriced coffee and artisanal pastries among world leaders.. Fact: The average length of a diplomatic meeting is directly proportional to the number of times someone says, 'Let's circle back on that.'.
• Headline: 4 Sudan Ex-Aides Acquitted. Impact: The acquittal of the Sudan ex-aides sparked a series of political scandals that led to a long tradition of blaming everything on 'previous administrations'—a phrase still used by politicians today as a magical incantation.. Fact: In politics, 'acquitted' is just a fancy way of saying ‘let’s pretend this never happened’—like a bad haircut..
• Headline: Ugandans Hail Margaret. Impact: Margaret's recovery became a symbol of hope in Uganda, leading to an entire generation that believed they could overcome anything, even if it meant wearing socks with sandals.. Fact: In Uganda, the name Margaret became synonymous with resilience. It's a trendy name now, but good luck getting it past the baby name committee..
• Headline: COLOMBIANS URGED TO FIGHT TERRORISM. Impact: Valencia's call to fight terrorism inspired a wave of hashtags and social media campaigns that ultimately did very little except raise awareness for avocado toast among millennials.. Fact: Fighting terrorism is hard, but fighting for the last avocado in the store? Now that's a real battle..
• Headline: SOVIET INDICATES KHRUSHCHEV ERRED ON MARXISM ALSO; Widens Charges to Include Theory as Well as Tactics -- China to Spur Drive MOSCOW ACCUSES KHRUSHCHEV ANEW. Impact: The Soviet accusations against Khrushchev set off a chain reaction of ideological debates that resulted in a generation of armchair philosophers debating Marxism over coffee in their parents’ basements.. Fact: Marxism: the only philosophy where you can critique capitalism while simultaneously benefiting from it—thanks, Mom and Dad!.
• Headline: Chief of Staff Nominated By Saigon Military Group. Impact: The nomination of Brig Gen Hunh Van Cao by the Saigon Military Group led to a series of military reshuffles that would inspire countless action movies, albeit with much less drama than the real thing.. Fact: Military nominations are like reality TV auditions—everyone’s trying to look tough while secretly hoping for a spin-off..