FEBRUARY 26, 1965

Full News Archive

• Headline: Connally's Stance on Youth Corps Wages. Impact: If Connally had successfully pushed for a lower pay floor, high schoolers might have found themselves swapping textbooks for minimum wage jobs that paid in candy bars, leading to a nationwide epidemic of unqualified candy corn connoisseurs.. Fact: Did you know that $1.25 in 1965 is about $10 today? So, really, he was just trying to keep high schoolers in the same financial hole for decades..
• Headline: Selma's Quest for Racial Harmony. Impact: This meeting in Selma could have sparked a nationwide trend of white leaders gathering to discuss harmony—imagine, if you will, a world where they all just agreed to share their toys instead of hoarding them.. Fact: Fun fact: Parleys are like meetings, but with a fancier name. Because who doesn’t want to sound important while discussing harmony?.
• Headline: Nutritionist Challenges Diet Pill Claims. Impact: Prof Mayer’s testimony against diet pills might have kicked off a revolution in honesty in advertising, leading to a future where 'miracle diets' could be replaced with 'just eat a salad, for crying out loud.'. Fact: The only thing more unbelievable than diet pill claims? The fact that people still buy them despite knowing they often lead to disappointment and a lighter wallet..
• Headline: American Bank Note Co. Names New President. Impact: The appointment of Wm R Barrett could have marked the beginning of a new era at American Bank Note Co., where every decision led to the creation of increasingly intricate banknotes, possibly resulting in a national obsession with paper currency art.. Fact: Did you know that banknote design can be so intricate that if they ever run out of ideas, they could just hire cats to walk across a keyboard?.
• Headline: Young Republicans Here Elect Moerdler President. Impact: The election of Moerdler as president could have ignited a Young Republican movement that led to an annual event of poorly planned bake sales and discussions about how to 'bring back the good old days'—whatever those were.. Fact: Being elected president of a young group is like being voted 'most likely to succeed' in high school—great for your ego, but usually doesn't pay the bills..
• Headline: SCHOOL-AID BILL MEETS TROUBLE; Several Sections Attacked in Powell's Committee. Impact: The troubles faced by the School-Aid Bill could have resulted in an entire generation of students having to read from crumpled notebooks filled with outdated notes, leading to a sudden surge in nostalgia for the ‘good old days’ of paper cuts.. Fact: Textbook funding debates are basically an elaborate game of 'who can make the most convoluted excuse for not spending money on kids' education.'.
• Headline: G.O.P. IS DIVIDED ON NEGRO VOTERS; Debates Moves to Assist in Drives for Registration. Impact: The GOP's division over Negro voters may have set the stage for decades of political gymnastics, ultimately leading to a future where parties would twist themselves into pretzels trying to balance historical injustice with modern-day politics.. Fact: Political parties are like family feuds—everyone’s fighting over the same old issues while pretending they’re just trying to 'bring the family together.'.
• Headline: Judge in Rights Case; William Harold Cox. Impact: The biography of Judge William Harold Cox could have inspired a new wave of judicial dramas, where judges are portrayed as unlikely heroes, fighting for justice one courtroom at a time—complete with dramatic music.. Fact: Judges are basically like referees, but with more power and less spitting on the field..
• Headline: The Proceedings In Washington. Impact: The Appalachian bill clearing the HR Rules Committee might have led to a future where mountains were no longer just natural formations, but hotbeds of legislative debate, forever altering the landscape of political geography.. Fact: The only thing more complex than political rules? The actual rules about how to navigate the Appalachian Mountains without getting lost..