JANUARY 20, 1965

Full News Archive

• Headline: Basque Nationalists on Trial in Madrid. Impact: The trial of these 19 Basques might have triggered an underground movement where everyone suddenly decides that trial by jury is overrated, leading to a world where everyone just settles their disagreements with interpretive dance.. Fact: Basque is a language isolate, meaning it’s not related to any other known language. So, basically, they're the hipsters of the linguistic world..
• Headline: Seoul Cuts Brazzaville Ties. Impact: Seoul cutting ties with Brazzaville might have set off a chain reaction leading to every city in the world breaking up with its least favorite partner. Imagine cities sending breakup letters!. Fact: Breaking diplomatic ties is like sending a 'seen' message without responding. Awkward!.
• Headline: House Guard Strengthened To Keep Out Demonstrators. Impact: Strengthening the House Guard was the beginning of a slippery slope. If they hadn’t done that, we might have ended up with a reality where demonstrations were allowed, and politicians had to face actual people!. Fact: The American Nazi Party member Lloyd’s intrusion was so memorable that it almost made security guards consider a career in stand-up comedy..
• Headline: Bonn Stresses Tie to U.S.. Impact: Bonn stressing ties to the U.S. may have inadvertently led to the creation of an ‘Allies Only’ club where countries had to wear matching jackets and use secret handshakes.. Fact: The phrase 'tie to the U.S.' now means sending your laundry to the dry cleaner across the ocean..
• Headline: $450,000 Settlement Is Offered In $5 Million Swan-Finch Suit; SWAN-FINCH GETS SETTLEMENT PLAN. Impact: This settlement offer might have inspired future corporate negotiations to resemble more of a yard sale, where companies throw out random numbers and hope people bite. 'Hey, how about $450,000 for the rights to your soul?'. Fact: Swan-Finch sounds like the name of a quirky indie band, not a corporation involved in legal disputes!.
• Headline: Canada Bars Indonesia Deal. Impact: Canada's refusal to deal with Indonesia could have resulted in a world where nations only traded maple syrup, hockey pucks, and the occasional moose sighting. Who needs aircraft when you have maple candies?. Fact: Canada's national motto might as well be 'Sorry,' given how often they have to apologize for their diplomatic decisions..