JANUARY 15, 1965

Full News Archive

• Headline: LOEW'S Annual Meeting Highlights Discontent. Impact: This stormy annual meeting at Loew's led to a series of dramatic theater productions that inspired countless Broadway musicals about corporate drama. Little did they know that 'Cats' would ultimately be a side effect of their squabbles. Fact: Did you know that the average length of a Broadway show is about 2 hours? Clearly, Loew's was just trying to break records—because who doesn't want to sit for 3.5 hours of corporate debate?.
• Headline: Judges' Race in Long Island Remains Unsettled. Impact: The tied judges' race in Long Island set off a chain reaction of judicial indecision that would eventually inspire a reality TV show called 'Courtroom Showdown: The Ultimate Tie-Breaker.' Because why not make a spectacle of it?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more tied than this judges' race is your aunt's opinion on who should win 'The Bachelor'? Spoiler alert: it's always the wrong choice.
• Headline: Visual Narratives of Peace in '63. Impact: The photographs interpreting the '63 Peace Encyclical inadvertently inspired a movement where everyone felt compelled to interpret peace in increasingly bizarre ways, leading to a brief fad of interpretive peace dances in public parks. Fact: Did you know that Pope John XXIII's encyclical was so peaceful it even inspired a few cats to stop fighting with each other? Okay, maybe not, but wouldn’t that be cute?.
• Headline: Amiable G.O.P. Whip; Leslie Cornelius Arends. Impact: Leslie Cornelius Arends' amiable persona somehow shifted the GOP's branding, leading to a decade of politicians trying to smile more, resulting in the invention of the 'politician's grin'—a smile that's 90% teeth and 10% sincerity. Fact: Did you know that being amiable in politics is like trying to swim in quicksand? The more you smile, the deeper you sink into the swamp of indecision.
• Headline: Passaic Picks Panel to Draft Plan to Halt Bank Holdups. Impact: The formation of a panel to draft plans to halt bank holdups saw banks investing heavily in security technology, which ironically resulted in even more convoluted heists in movies—because if the bad guys can't rob the banks, they might as well rob the silver screen. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more secure than a bank vault is the secret recipe for Coca-Cola? Now that's something worth stealing!.
• Headline: Pakistan to Give Indonesia $10 Million Export Credit. Impact: Pakistan's $10 million export credit to Indonesia sparked a series of financial treaties that would later lead to a game of global Monopoly where countries traded resources instead of properties. Spoiler alert: no one ever landed on Boardwalk. Fact: Did you know that $10 million is roughly the amount you need to buy a small island? This was probably just a down payment for Pakistan's next tropical vacation.
• Headline: Icons Being Stolen in Russia. Impact: The theft of icons in Russia sent shockwaves through the art world, leading to an underground market where thieves were actually praised for their 'artistic vision,' thus giving birth to modern art critiques that are still baffling to this day. Fact: Did you know that stealing an icon is like stealing a selfie? Both are highly controversial, but only one will get your face plastered on the news.
• Headline: Home's Nephew Sued by Wife. Impact: The lawsuit filed by the nephew against his wife opened a Pandora's box of family drama, leading to a reality show where relatives fought over inheritance—because nothing says 'family values' like airing dirty laundry on national television. Fact: Did you know that family lawsuits can be more entertaining than daytime soap operas? At least in soap operas, they have the decency to use actors.
• Headline: U.S. OUTPUT ROSE $38 BILLION IN '64; Gross National Product Up to $622 Billion Level. Impact: The rise in U.S. output and GNP created a consumer boom that eventually led to the creation of 'Retail Therapy' as a legitimate coping mechanism. Thanks, 1964, for giving us an excuse to shop till we drop!. Fact: Did you know that in 1964, you could buy a car for under $3,000? Now, that’s a time travel trip worth taking—if only for the better gas prices!.
• Headline: Dublin Pleased but Vary. Impact: Dublin's mixed feelings inspired a series of philosophical debates that led to the creation of the 'Dublin Dilemma,' a perplexing existential crisis that plagues tourists to this day. Spoiler: no one ever resolves it. Fact: Did you know that Dublin is so pleased but wary that it’s practically the poster child for cautious optimism? It's like they invented the phrase 'but what if...?' before it was cool.