JANUARY 9, 1965

Full News Archive

• Headline: Massive Port Strike Set to Begin. Impact: The port strike led to a nationwide shortage of avocados, prompting a surge in DIY guacamole recipes and everyone's aunt suddenly becoming a culinary expert. Fact: The I.L.A. rejected what was deemed the 'best ever' pact. Clearly, they’ve never been to a family reunion potluck.
• Headline: Dane Concludes Diplomatic Journey in Israel. Impact: Dane's end to his Israeli visit sparked an international game of 'Where's Waldo?' with diplomats scrambling to figure out who would visit next without causing a scene. Fact: After his visit, Dane reportedly became an expert in international coffee breaks, proving that diplomacy is just a fancy term for small talk.
• Headline: VOTE RULING PUT OFF ON NEWARK TEACHERS. Impact: Delaying the vote ruling may have inadvertently led to the creation of an underground society of teachers who communicate only through cryptic chalkboard messages. Fact: Hildebrand deferred the ruling—because nothing says 'I’m in charge' like procrastination!.
• Headline: A SURVEY DISPUTES GOLDWATER'S VIEW. Impact: Goldwater's survey results sparked a revolution in political strategy, leading to the invention of social media influencers who can sway public opinion with a single meme. Fact: Goldwater thought he was the main issue, but turns out, it was just the 1960s version of 'It's not you, it's me.'.
• Headline: Klan Haunts Louisiana City That Canceled Hays's Rights Talk. Impact: The Klan's pressure on Hays led to a hidden network of citizens forming a secret society focused on ensuring everyone has a right to speak—unbeknownst to them, they started the first grassroots movement. Fact: Hays was surprised by the KKK's pressure, as if they'd just found out that their favorite restaurant had a secret menu.
• Headline: GEMS TO BE SHOWN AT MUSEUM AGAIN; Heavy Guard Planned When Exhibit is Reopened. Impact: The reopening of the gem exhibit led to an unexpected boom in the jewelry heist industry, with criminals forming a new subculture inspired by the heists depicted in movies. Fact: Heavy guard for gems? Because apparently they can’t just fend for themselves in a glass case like a regular rock.
• Headline: Track Coaches' Unit Backs N.C.A.A. in Dispute and Upholds Ban on Meets; I.C.4-A CRITICIZED FOR URGING SHIFT Baskin Charges A.A.U. With 'Irresponsible Action' in U.S.-Soviet Meet. Impact: The N.C.A.A.'s support of the ban ignited a fierce rivalry that led to the creation of a secret underground track meet where athletes compete for nothing but bragging rights and a participation trophy. Fact: The AAU's 'irresponsible action' could arguably be the most entertaining thing to come out of sports since the invention of the wave.
• Headline: Capitol Show Goes On; Now It's 'Ev and Gerry'. Impact: The 'Ev and Gerry' show paved the way for political dramas, leading to a future where politicians would compete on reality TV for the title of 'Best Public Speaker'. Fact: 'Ev and Gerry' sounds like the title of a sitcom where two politicians run a bakery—don't you wish that were true?.
• Headline: CASANOVA QUITS HULA BOWL POST; Coach Irked by Use of Two Players Signed by Pros. Impact: Casanova quitting the Hula Bowl sparked a nationwide search for coaches with names that sound like romantic figures, leading to an era of 'coaching with charisma'. Fact: Casanova protested the use of pro players, proving that even in sports, some people just can’t handle competition.