DECEMBER 12, 1964

Full News Archive

• Headline: Democrats Propose Key Apportionment Bills. Impact: The drafting of these bills inadvertently set off a chain reaction where future politicians became convinced that drafting bills was a form of cardio. Thus, a whole generation of lawmakers became fitness enthusiasts, leading to a bizarre trend of legislative yoga.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'bipartisan' was originally coined by a confused octopus trying to mediate between two rival schools of fish?.
• Headline: France Faces Nationwide Power Strike. Impact: This power strike not only paralyzed France but also inspired the annual 'Light Your Own Candle' festival, where citizens celebrate their resilience by illuminating their homes with candles and questionable dance moves.. Fact: Did you know that the average French person spends 3 hours a day in candlelit contemplation during power strikes? Just kidding, they really just binge-watch Netflix on their phones..
• Headline: G.O.P. to Give Alternatives. Impact: This GOP strategy led to the 1972 'Apportionment Apocalypse,' where the Assembly was completely restructured by a group of toddlers drawing on a chalkboard—far more effective, really.. Fact: In political circles, the phrase 'passing the buck' originated from a game of poker gone wrong among early Congress members..
• Headline: JEWISH AID GROUP CITES RISING NEED; J.D.C. SeekiNg $28.8 Million for 465,000 Refugees. Impact: The rising need for aid inadvertently led to the Great Refugee Bake Sale of 1975, where volunteers baked cookies and accidentally created the world's largest cookie, which was then used to negotiate peace treaties.. Fact: Did you know that the amount sought for refugees is roughly equal to what most people spend on coffee in a year? Priorities, right?.
• Headline: One Wounded in Argentina As Police Battle Peronists. Impact: The police battle with Peronists marked the beginning of the 'Peronists vs. Everyone' saga, a series of events that somehow led to the invention of the world's most confusing board game.. Fact: One wounded in a protest is just another Tuesday in the world of politics—at least that’s what the calendars say!.
• Headline: RUSSIAN DEFENDS KHRUSHCHEV PLAN; Supreme Soviet Hears Plea to Keep Industry Councils. Impact: This defense of Khrushchev's plan became the catalyst for Russia's future fascination with councils, leading to the establishment of the Committee for the Preservation of Unnecessary Councils, which still meets bi-weekly.. Fact: Izvestia means 'news' in Russian, which is ironic considering how often they try to avoid actual news coverage..
• Headline: Italy Without Newspapers. Impact: The absence of newspapers led to a nationwide scavenger hunt for printed material, resulting in a renaissance of storytelling done by mime. People became very good at interpreting silence.. Fact: Without newspapers, Italians had to resort to interpreting each other's hand gestures, leading to a significant increase in miscommunication—and laughter..