NOVEMBER 19, 1964

Full News Archive

• Headline: Humphrey's Legacy Continued by Successor. Impact: If only Humphrey had a Twitter account, we might have avoided a century of political echo chambers. But alas, his views now live on in the endless loop of social media debates. Thanks a lot, successors!. Fact: Did you know that 'sharing views' was code for 'I have no original ideas?' Politicians have been recycling opinions since time immemorial!.
• Headline: U.S. Deploys Drones in Vietnam War. Impact: The birth of the drone era! Little did they know that these pesky little machines would evolve into the omnipresent surveillance tools we all know and love today. Thanks for the privacy invasion, USAF!. Fact: Did you know the first drones were just glorified paper airplanes? If only they had known about Wi-Fi back then!.
• Headline: Jay Gould Mansion Preview Event. Impact: The Jay Gould Mansion becoming a museum may have led to a spike in hipster tourism. Everyone needs a place to take selfies while pretending to appreciate gothic architecture, right?. Fact: Did you know that Jay Gould was so rich he could afford to build a mansion that looked like a haunted castle? Now, it’s just a regular old museum. What a downgrade!.
• Headline: TAYLOR WILL RETURN FOR VIETNAM TALKS. Impact: Taylor's return for Vietnam talks marked the beginning of endless diplomatic visits that would ultimately lead to a whole generation wondering why peace is so hard to achieve. Spoiler: it's the paperwork.. Fact: Did you know that diplomatic talks are just like family gatherings? Lots of talking, little resolution, and someone always leaves unhappy!.
• Headline: Cushing Praises Document. Impact: Cardinal Cushing's praise of a document could have inspired a whole new genre of motivational posters: 'Just because you’re a cardinal doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate good paperwork!'. Fact: Did you know that documents are the original influencers? They can make or break reputations without even having a social media account!.
• Headline: Goldwater Sorts Papers. Impact: Goldwater sorting through papers? This was the start of today's obsession with organizing things. Next thing you know, everyone’s labeling their files with color-coded tabs.. Fact: Did you know that sorting papers is just a fancy way of procrastinating? You can organize until the cows come home, but it won't get you any closer to real work!.
• Headline: BRITAIN MAY LOSE SOUTH AFRICA BASE. Impact: The potential loss of a South African base might have inspired the British to focus on other strategic locations. Who knew a base could have such an impact on a nation’s real estate portfolio?. Fact: Did you know that bases are like bad marriages? Sometimes you just have to let go and hope for the best!.
• Headline: NAZI DATA DEPICT PIUS AS PRO‐AXIS; U.S. and Britain Publishing Captured Papers—German Weekly Makes Charge. Impact: The allegations against Pope Pius XII could have set off a chain of events leading to conspiracy theories and debates that still rage today. Who knew a papal figure could stay so relevant decades later?. Fact: Did you know that conspiracy theories about historical figures are like fine wine? They only get better (or worse) with age!.
• Headline: THANT DOUBTS END OF FUNDS CRISIS NOW. Impact: Thant’s doubts about the funds crisis could have inadvertently led to the creation of the world's first 'Fundraising for Dummies' handbook. Thanks, UN, for the inspiration!. Fact: Did you know that crises are just opportunities in disguise? Just ask any fundraiser trying to get your money!.