OCTOBER 30, 1964

Full News Archive

• Headline: Office Jobs Expected to Soar. Impact: As office jobs doubled, the world's supply of coffee and staplers skyrocketed, leading to a global shortage of sanity in cubicles everywhere. Who knew that sitting in front of a screen could cause such an existential crisis?. Fact: Did you know that sitting is the new smoking? Because nothing says 'I care about my health' like a 9-to-5 in a swivel chair..
• Headline: China Issues Strong Warning to U.S. Navy. Impact: The 338th warning sparked a series of overreactions that led to the invention of the 'Panic Button'—which unfortunately was just a glorified doorbell. The U.S. and China are still trying to figure out how to play nice, but alas, the buttons are stuck.. Fact: Fun fact: 338 warnings is probably just a Tuesday for international relations! Can we get an award for the most dramatic relationship ever?.
• Headline: San Juan Students Stage Protest Parade. Impact: This protest ignited a series of student-led movements that eventually changed the landscape of activism. If only the authorities had known that a parade could lead to such a political revolution, they might have invested in some better float designs.. Fact: Protesting is just like a parade, but instead of floats, you have signs and a lot more passion—and potentially a lot less confetti!.
• Headline: Luthuli's Life Is Imperiled By Curbs, U.N. Unit Is Told. Impact: The struggle for Luthuli's rights highlighted the brutal realities of apartheid, eventually contributing to global anti-apartheid movements. Who knew that one man's suffering could ignite the flames of justice worldwide?. Fact: Albert Luthuli was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1960. Sometimes, it takes a little danger to bring out the best in humanity..
• Headline: Music: Hollander Plays; Pianist Performs With the Philharmonic. Impact: This performance inspired a new generation of musicians, leading to an underground movement of hipster pianists who believe that playing Chopin while wearing a beret in a coffee shop is the pinnacle of artistry.. Fact: Did you know that a good piano performance can make or break a dinner party? Just ask anyone who has had to endure a failed rendition of 'Chopsticks.'.
• Headline: Washington Sends 2 Aides To Observe Congo Situation. Impact: Those two aides ended up starting a trend of 'diplomatic tourism,' where officials thought observing from a distance was the same as actually helping. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t.. Fact: Did you know that 'just observing' is a professional way to say 'I’d rather be anywhere else'? It's an art form in the political arena..
• Headline: Anna Satellite Functioning. Impact: Anna 1-B's success led to the development of countless satellites that now spy on us from above, proving once and for all that even in space, privacy is just a myth.. Fact: Remember when satellites were just cool space toys? Now they’re the reason your phone knows you’re at Starbucks before you do!.