SEPTEMBER 27, 1964

Full News Archive

• Headline: Keating and Kennedy Clash at Steuben Day Parade. Impact: Little did the world know that this parade would lead to the eventual collaboration of two politicians who would later be known for their inability to agree on anything significant, thus forcing future generations to watch endless debates on C-SPAN. Fact: The only reason parades exist is so politicians can pretend to be friendly while avoiding actual work.
• Headline: Pope Paul's Historic Canonization of Saints. Impact: The canonization of these 22 African saints somehow led to the creation of more bizarre saint-themed merchandise. Who wouldn't want a 'St. Paul action figure'?. Fact: The Vatican has a secret stash of saint-themed souvenirs that would put Disney to shame.
• Headline: YUGOSLAVS SPUR BILATERAL TALKS; Call Them Democratic Way to Settle Soviet‐China Rift. Impact: By opting for bilateral talks, Yugoslavs inadvertently paved the way for future diplomatic meetings where no one actually listens to each other, yet everyone pretends to care. Fact: Bilateral talks: where two sides come together to not agree while taking a scenic route to a stalemate.
• Headline: SAIGON INSTALLS GOUNCILTO DRAFT NEW CONSTITUTION; 17 Named, Representing Key Factions, Will Prepare for Return to Civilian Rule; ANOTHER COUP FEARED; Young Officers Give Khanh Fresh Ultimatum Seeking Purge of Older Generals. Impact: The drafting of a new constitution in Saigon was a pivotal moment that ultimately led to the creation of more constitutions that no one would read, much like a user agreement. Fact: A constitution is just a fancy way of saying, 'Here are all the rules we won't actually follow.'.
• Headline: TENSION PERSISTS IN M'COMB, MISS.; But Some in Town Express Hope for Improvement. Impact: The racial tensions in McComb became a case study on how social ostracism can lead to a generation of activists who ironically get ostracized for not being radical enough. Fact: Racial tension in small towns has the same impact as a butterfly flapping its wings—lots of noise, but no one really knows what it means.
• Headline: Road to 1984?; COMPULSORY MIS‐EDUCATION. By Paul Goodman. 189 pp. New York: Horizon Press. $3.95.. Impact: Goodman's critique of the education system sparked a revolution in educational reform that, spoiler alert, led to even more standardized testing. Thanks for nothing, Paul!. Fact: Compulsory mis-education is the true precursor to every bad student essay ever written.
• Headline: NATION AWAITING WARBEN REPORT; Assassination Data to Have Worldwide Distribution. Impact: The Warben report's assassination data distribution set a precedent for future governments to release information that only raises more questions than it answers, like every good mystery novel. Fact: Assassination data: the government's way of saying, 'We have no idea what happened, but here's a bunch of numbers to confuse you!'.
• Headline: Opinion of the Week: At Home and Abroad. Impact: The U.S. press commentary on Darien turned out to be a foreshadowing of the endless cycle of political commentary that would continue to frustrate generations to come. Fact: Political commentary is just like fast food; it feels good at first but leaves you feeling empty and slightly regretful afterward.