JULY 28, 1964

Full News Archive

• Headline: O'Doherty's Campaign Challenges Ahead. Impact: O'Doherty's lack of Goldwater backing led to a series of political misadventures that resulted in the invention of the 'Backroom Deal' sandwich, a favorite among politicians who need to make a deal without anyone knowing. Fact: Did you know that Goldwater's support was often more elusive than a unicorn at a petting zoo?.
• Headline: Executive Appointment at Portland Utility. Impact: Lt Gen Itschner's promotion led to a series of promotions in the utility sector that eventually inspired a reality TV show titled 'Executive Power Struggles', featuring dramatic boardroom confrontations. Fact: Did you know that being elected as a utility VP is actually a secret initiation into the 'World of Overly Complicated Power Grids'?.
• Headline: GOVERNOR TOURS ROCHESTER AREA, DENOUNCES RIOTS; He Finds 'Clear Evidence of Extremism'—Visits Troops and Meets Officials. Impact: Rockefeller's tour of Rochester became the blueprint for future political photo ops, where politicians would visit disaster sites and promise change—usually while sipping a latte. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'clear evidence of extremism' is still used today, usually in reference to people who refuse to share their Wi-Fi passwords.
• Headline: CITY ACCELERATES FIGHT ON POVERTY; $223,225 Grant Made Amid Reference to Racial Riots. Impact: The city's fight against poverty led to a series of failed initiatives, ultimately resulting in the invention of the 'Poverty Olympics,' where communities compete to see who can come up with the most creative solutions to poverty without actually addressing it. Fact: Did you know that 'serious trouble' is often the government’s euphemism for 'let’s ignore this until it becomes a trend'?.
• Headline: Police Say Thousands in Bedford‐Stuyvesant Possess Guns. Impact: The police's discovery of firearms in Bedford-Stuyvesant led to a national debate on gun control, which eventually morphed into a reality show called 'Cops & Robbers: The Real Life Edition'. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'possess guns' could also be interpreted as a hobby in certain circles—like stamp collecting, but a lot more dangerous.
• Headline: 335‐Year‐OId Tree Felled, Apparently by Vandals. Impact: The felling of the 335-year-old tree sparked a nationwide movement toward tree preservation, which ironically led to a surge in vandalism as people tried to start their own 'anti-vandal' movements. Fact: Did you know that the tree was once the oldest living thing in Danvers? Now it’s just a log with a tragic backstory.
• Headline: Makarios Proposes U.N. Assembly Step. Impact: Makarios's proposal to the U.N. led to a series of increasingly convoluted diplomatic discussions that eventually inspired a popular board game called 'Negotiation Nation', where everyone loses. Fact: Fun fact: 'Freedom of movement' has been redefined to mean 'you can go anywhere, as long as it’s not where you want to go.'.
• Headline: GOLDWATER CAUSE THRIVES ON COAST; But Efforts Are Diffuse and Coordination Is Sought. Impact: Goldwater's thriving cause on the coast led to a series of political mishaps that resulted in the invention of the 'Political Surfboard,' designed for dodging tough questions. Fact: Did you know that coordination in politics is often about as reliable as weather predictions? Spoiler alert: it never works out.
• Headline: Hughes Tool Urges Court Bar T. W. A. Bid on Control. Impact: Hughes Tool's opposition to T.W.A.'s bid on control resulted in a series of corporate rivalries that would inspire countless movies about corporate espionage—none of which got nominated for an Oscar. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'opposes move' is just corporate speak for 'we're too busy counting our money to bother with you.'.