JULY 9, 1964

Full News Archive

• Headline: Illinois Court Reverses Tropic of Cancer Ruling. Impact: This ruling led to a renaissance of questionable literature being embraced in classrooms, which eventually spiraled into today's TikTok poets claiming they are the new Shakespeare. Fact: The Tropic of Cancer is more than just a book; it's also a line of latitude which, unlike some court decisions, has remained unwavering.
• Headline: Lutherans Approve Major Budget for 1965-66. Impact: The approval of this budget likely led to the great Lutheran Bake Sale of '66, which indirectly funded future hipster coffee shops and artisanal bread movements. Fact: It's estimated that the average Lutheran congregation can produce enough potato salad for an entire small town's picnic.
• Headline: Delay in Landlord Assault Charge Hearing. Impact: This delay paved the way for countless tenants to discover the power of passive-aggressive notes, ultimately leading to the modern art of 'landlord-tenant communication.'. Fact: Postponing a hearing is a great way to postpone all responsibilities—much like procrastination in college.
• Headline: MALAWI KEEPING LINKS TO WHITES; Relies on 3 Regimes Other Africans Try to Shun. Impact: This decision led to a complicated web of political relations that would later inspire many a political science thesis, proving that bad decisions can create unexpected academic careers. Fact: Malawi's choice to maintain ties with these regimes was like that one friend who still hangs out with their high school bullies—awkward but somehow persistent.
• Headline: England Initiates a Reactor. Impact: This research reactor opened the floodgates for a new generation of scientists, eventually resulting in a series of increasingly bizarre sci-fi movies where scientists become overlords. Fact: The only thing more explosive than this reactor's potential is the tea that was probably spilled during the announcement.
• Headline: Supersonic Airliner Is Facing ‘More Serious’ Boom Problem; Pressure Wave Is Found to Be Magnified Under Certain Atmospheric Conditions. Impact: The realization that sonic booms could be exacerbated led to an entire generation of flight engineers struggling to explain why planes sound like thunder—ultimately leading to the invention of noise-canceling headphones. Fact: If you think being late is bad, imagine trying to explain to a passenger their flight was delayed because of a 'sonic boom.'.
• Headline: Many Burial Ads Dupe Public, Senators Are Told. Impact: This revelation caused a dramatic shift in how funeral homes marketed themselves, leading to an era of over-the-top ads that would make used car salesmen blush. Fact: Funeral directors have been known to have a dark sense of humor; after all, they’re in the business of 'resting in peace.'.
• Headline: Indianan Proposes Wallace As Goldwater Running Mate. Impact: This proposal initiated a domino effect of political alliances that led to many future candidates realizing that sometimes, two wrongs can make a right—if you squint hard enough. Fact: Goldwater and Wallace on the same ticket would have been the political equivalent of mixing oil and vinegar; interesting but generally not recommended.
• Headline: 250,000 Expected to Register in Firehouse Drive. Impact: This firehouse initiative sparked a movement of ‘civic duty’ that led to more people getting excited about voting than about their own birthday parties. Fact: Firehouses are surprisingly good at hosting events; just don’t expect them to put out any actual fires when it comes to political debates.