JULY 6, 1964

Full News Archive

• Headline: Klan Member Acquitted in Florida Bombing Case. Impact: This trial's outcome led to a rise in KKK membership as they celebrated their 'not guilty' verdict with a national barbecue. Fast forward a few decades, and suddenly everyone’s confused why there’s a surge in bad taste in fashion and terrible BBQ recipes.. Fact: The KKK: proving that the judicial system is just as good at throwing shade as it is at throwing justice..
• Headline: Phoenix Zoo Welcomes Arabian Oryxes. Impact: These four Arabian oryxes went on to inspire a viral meme trend, taking the internet by storm. 'Oryx-tastic!' became the phrase of the year, forever changing social media marketing strategies.. Fact: The Arabian oryx is so rare that its biggest threat is getting a selfie taken with it. #OryxGoals.
• Headline: Laird Advocates Unity in Republican Party. Impact: The Goldwater-Scranton ticket idea sparked a series of disastrous political alliances, culminating in a time-traveling debate where every candidate wore a turtleneck and only discussed their favorite cheeses.. Fact: The real reason for the unity theme? They were hoping to unite their disparate fan clubs of confused voters and cheese enthusiasts..
• Headline: SCRANTON RENEWS ILLINOIS CAMPAIGN; Despite Setback Last Week, He Starts Tour Today. Impact: Scranton's campaign tour in Illinois led to an accidental time loop where he kept trying to whip up support, but instead kept ending up at the same diner, drinking bad coffee for eternity.. Fact: Illinois: where political campaigns go to die... and then come back for more coffee..
• Headline: MANPOWER CRISIS FOUND IN PHYSICS; Report Says 20,000 Jobs Will Go Unfilled by 1970. Impact: The physics job crisis meant that a generation of students turned to interpretive dance instead, leading to an explosion of poorly understood quantum physics concepts represented through interpretive ballet.. Fact: Turns out, the only thing less understood than quantum physics is the plot of most interpretive dances..
• Headline: VenezuelaMarks Independence. Impact: Venezuela's 153rd Independence anniversary inadvertently sparked a global trend of independence celebrations where everyone suddenly felt the urge to declare their own personal independence from their in-laws.. Fact: 153 years is quite a milestone! Just think of all the awkward family reunions they avoided!.
• Headline: Secretary in Queens Stabs Her Attacker; Now Faces Charges. Impact: This stabbing incident inspired a new trend in self-defense classes where everyone learned to use kitchen utensils, leading to the rise of 'Knife-Edged Defense' classes across the nation.. Fact: Turns out, the best self-defense is just knowing how to properly wield a chef's knife. Just don’t mix it up with your salad fork!.
• Headline: Newark Prayer Meeting Held for 3 Missing Men. Impact: The prayer meeting for missing rights workers led to a nationwide surge in candlelight vigils, which eventually became the go-to event for every minor inconvenience—like a coffee spill or a bad hair day.. Fact: Nothing brings people together like a good prayer meeting... or a mildly tragic event that everyone can make about themselves..
• Headline: REDS' AFRICA GAIN BELIEVED LIMITED; U.S. Analysts Cite Wariness on Continent and Chinese Quarrel With Russians. Impact: The limited Red gain in Africa ignited a slew of conspiracy theories about how the Communists were secretly training squirrels as spies, resulting in a bizarre Cold War where everyone was on the lookout for 'nutty' behavior.. Fact: If you thought squirrels were harmless, just wait until they start discussing ideology and plotting world domination over acorns..
• Headline: SOTHEBY'S PLANS TO SELL ART HERE; British Auction House Hopes to Buy Controlling Interest in Parke‐Bernet Galleries; PRICE PUT AT $1 MILLION; Other Possibilities Weighed for Establishment of Local Operations in October. Impact: Sotheby’s attempt to control Parke-Bernet led to a turf war between art dealers, resulting in the first-ever 'Art Fight Club' where paintings were literally thrown at each other in a display of high culture.. Fact: The best part of the auction? The art critics had to pretend they understood the meaning behind all the paint splatters. Spoiler: they didn't..