MAY 17, 1964

Full News Archive

• Headline: Goldwater's Delegate Dilemma. Impact: Barry Goldwater's struggle with delegates versus voters set off a series of events that led to the rise of political strategies like 'fake it till you make it'—if only he'd known that would later apply to social media influencers!. Fact: Barry Goldwater's campaign was so perplexing that it made voters question if they were voting for a candidate or a riddle.
• Headline: Bayanihan Philippine Dance Co Returns. Impact: The return of the Bayanihan Philippine Dance Co sparked a renaissance of cultural appreciation, leading to a world where people awkwardly attempt to dance like Filipinos at wedding receptions—one misstep at a time. Fact: Bayanihan is all about communal unity, which is ironic since most of us can't even agree on what to order for takeout.
• Headline: The Mountains Of Poverty. Impact: The portrayal of Appalachian poverty in media led to a long-standing stereotype that everyone there is just waiting for their turn to be featured in a reality show about moonshiners. Fact: The term 'mountains of poverty' is not only descriptive but also a great name for a band that never actually formed.
• Headline: ENGLISH ‘PROM’ MAESTRO FOR NEW YORK PROMENADES. Impact: The emergence of a new maestro for promenades in New York set off a chain reaction of pretentious behavior among conductors, ultimately leading to the invention of the 'air conductor'—because why should only the musicians have all the fun?. Fact: Promenade concerts became the hipster equivalent of classical music; they even had the artisanal mustaches before they were cool.
• Headline: DUAL RATE PLAN SET IN SHIP TRADE; Pacific Ship Conference Agrees on Dual Rates. Impact: The dual rate plan in ship trade solidified the notion that confusing pricing strategies could be the key to a successful industry; it later inspired countless business meetings where everyone pretended to understand what was being discussed. Fact: Dual rates in shipping are just like relationships: complicated and often leading to misunderstandings about where everything is going.
• Headline: BEDSIDE MANNER; Or, Toepeeping With Pretzels During Late, Late Films. Impact: The trend toward watching late-night shows while lying down transformed the way we consume entertainment, leading to a generation that can't sit up without feeling it’s a life-altering experience—thanks, comfort culture!. Fact: Toepeeping while watching movies is basically a form of modern art, where your feet become part of the cinematic experience—how avant-garde!.
• Headline: Washington; How to Avoid Disaster in An Election Year. Impact: The worsening election year situation prompted politicians to become even more adept at dodging questions, paving the way for the modern-day political debate where the only thing being debated is who can avoid the question best. Fact: In a year of political disasters, it's ironic that the real disaster was the fact that no one can remember what anyone actually stands for anymore.