MARCH 21, 1964

Full News Archive

• Headline: Soccer Players Acquitted of Drug Charges. Impact: The acquittal of these soccer players led to an insatiable thirst for performance-enhancing substances, which eventually spiraled into a worldwide obsession with sports doping. In a bizarre twist, this obsession resulted in an underground society of 'pep pill' enthusiasts who now run a successful chain of energy drink shops. Fact: Did you know that 'pep pills' are just the fancy term for caffeine and a dash of regret?.
• Headline: Jersey Bus Negotiations Stalemate. Impact: The impasse in Jersey bus negotiations laid the groundwork for future generations to argue about public transportation inefficiencies. Ironically, it inspired a series of memes about bus schedules that would one day go viral, creating a generation of social media influencers who only post about buses. Fact: Did you know that 'impasse' is just a fancy way of saying 'we don’t know what we’re doing'?.
• Headline: Opposed by Catholic Paper. Impact: The opposition from the Catholic paper created a ripple effect that would lead to the rise of politically active religious groups, who would later discover that they preferred tweeting their opinions over actual voting. Fact: Did you know that the best way to oppose someone is to write a strongly worded letter? Because nothing says 'I care' quite like a piece of paper.
• Headline: VIETNAMESE RAID BLOCKS MEETING ITH CAMBODIANS; Efforts to End Border Rift Halted After Air‐Ground Attack on Village; OBSERVER PLANE DOWN; U.S. Pilot Badly Hurt and Saigon Airman Is Killed —17 Dead in Fighting. Impact: The violent clash in Vietnam and Cambodia not only escalated tensions in the region but also inadvertently inspired a new generation of international relations experts who, ironically, only ever studied the events from the comfort of their classrooms. Fact: Did you know that military advisers are just like your friend who gives you unsolicited advice on relationships?.
• Headline: Various Devices Used by Army To Find Malingerers in Tests. Impact: The army's quest to find malingerers using various devices resulted in an entire industry dedicated to testing excuses, leading to the creation of a wildly popular app called 'Excuse Me,' which people now use to avoid responsibility. Fact: Did you know that malingering is just a fancy term for 'I’d rather be binge-watching Netflix'?.
• Headline: Adeni Unscathed by Grenade. Impact: The assassination attempt on M S al-Husseiny created a martyr complex that caused his followers to form an underground movement dedicated to his ideals, which ironically only resulted in a series of very dramatic soap operas. Fact: Did you know that escaping assassination attempts is just a really intense form of dodgeball?.
• Headline: REUTHER TO PUSH WORK CONDITIONS IN NEW CONTRACT; U.A.W. Head Says Priority Will Also Be Given to Plan for Earlier Retirement. Impact: Reuther's push for better work conditions sparked a nationwide labor movement that, decades later, would result in the invention of the four-day work week, which is now being fought over like it’s the last cookie in the jar. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'work-life balance' was actually invented by someone who was tired of working?.
• Headline: New Voice of Johnson Speaks At News Briefings First Time. Impact: Johnson’s new voice at news briefings led to the eventual rise of political soundbites, which paved the way for a future where politicians communicate exclusively in memes and hashtags. Fact: Did you know that every time a politician speaks, a hashtag is born? It's like a twisted fairy tale.