MARCH 13, 1964

Full News Archive

• Headline: Italian Reds Voice Concerns at Conference. Impact: As the Italian Reds grumbled about their shrinking party, they unknowingly planted the seeds for future hipster coffee shops where the only thing smaller than the party size would be the espresso cups.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'Reds' in politics has nothing to do with their love for tomato sauce? Shocking, I know..
• Headline: THANT OPTIMISTIC ON CYPRUS FORCE; Hopes for an Accord by End of Week on Contingents—Island Quiet but Tense. Impact: Thant’s optimism about Cyprus created a butterfly effect that eventually led to the invention of the 'Cyprus Cocktail', which is just like a normal cocktail but with more tension and fewer olives.. Fact: Did you know that the UN's idea of 'peacekeeping' often involves more paperwork than actual peace? Who knew bureaucracy could be so 'keeping'?.
• Headline: U.N. Unit Names Chairman. Impact: Bannier's election as chairman inspired a whole new generation of international meetings where the highlight was just sharing awkward silences and terrible coffee.. Fact: Fun fact: The Netherlands has a secret competitive coffee brewing league that no one talks about. Maybe that’s what Bannier was really elected for!.
• Headline: Hoffa Gets 8 Years in Jail And a Lecture on Justice. Impact: Hoffa's jail time inadvertently inspired a new genre of music called 'Jailhouse Rock', which, while fun, ultimately led to more people trying to recreate Elvis moves in their living rooms—again, not great outcomes.. Fact: Fun fact: Hoffa's favorite book was 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'—too bad he couldn’t influence the judge!.
• Headline: NO PRESIDENCY RACE FOR JERSEY PRIMARY. Impact: The unopposed primary race in Jersey set a precedent for future elections, paving the way for many candidates to realize that sometimes running unopposed is just a polite way of saying ‘no one wants your job.’. Fact: Did you know that unopposed elections are the political equivalent of being chosen last for dodgeball? Not exactly a confidence booster!.
• Headline: Representatives of Many Nations Attend the Funeral Service for King Paul and March in Procession; KING PAUL BURIED AT GREEK PALACE; Great and Humble Pay Tribute at Funeral. Impact: King Paul's funeral turned into a global event that ignited a trend of extravagant funerals, eventually leading to the modern-day phenomenon of 'funeral selfies'—because why not celebrate life in death?. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'Great and Humble Pay Tribute' was initially the title of a forgotten sitcom about a royal family. It didn’t make the cut—shocking, right?.
• Headline: Books of The Times; Political Melodrama Way Down South. Impact: The political melodrama in the South inspired a whole genre of reality TV, where the only thing more exaggerated than the drama is the hair. Thank you, politics!. Fact: Did you know that 'The Loser' was almost the title of a reality show about politicians? Wait, it might still happen!.