MARCH 11, 1964

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mrs. Glenn's Campaign Trail in Ohio. Impact: As Mrs. Glenn took to the campaign trail, she unknowingly paved the way for future political spouses to become influencers. Thanks to her, we now have the phenomenon of 'spouse endorsements,' where people vote for the partner of the candidate instead of the candidate themselves. Thanks, Mrs. Glenn, for turning politics into a family affair!. Fact: Did you know that in the future, campaigning will involve social media influencers? Just imagine Mrs. Glenn with her own TikTok account!.
• Headline: Microphone Found in U.S. Embassy Prague. Impact: The discovery of the microphone in the embassy was the catalyst for future spy movies. Without this event, Hollywood might have never thought to use the phrase 'we're listening' as a plot device. Thanks to this, we now have a plethora of espionage thrillers that include more plot holes than a Swiss cheese.. Fact: Fun fact: the phrase 'You’re on mute' didn’t exist back then. But had it, it would have been the ultimate spy joke!.
• Headline: MacArthur's Health and Military Strategy. Impact: MacArthur’s gall bladder removal might have delayed his plans for world domination, but it also sparked a trend in post-surgery recovery retreats. Little did they know, this would eventually lead to the wellness industry’s obsession with detoxing – talk about a ripple effect!. Fact: Did you know that gall bladder removal is now a common procedure? In the future, it’s practically a rite of passage for the overindulgent!.
• Headline: CAMBODIANS PLAN TO BUY RED ARMS; Mission Off to Moscow and Peking—U.S. Embassy in Pnompenh Stoned. Impact: The Cambodian mission to buy red arms was the first step towards a chain reaction of international arms deals that would make every action movie plot seem plausible. Had they not gone to Moscow and Peking, perhaps the Cold War would’ve just been a mild disagreement over coffee.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, people will actually buy arms online? Talk about a shopping cart that comes with a warning label!.
• Headline: Auto Insurers Cut Rates 10 to 15% in 4 Boroughs. Impact: Auto insurers cutting rates led to a nationwide debate on whether cars should come with built-in insurance calculators. Fast forward a few decades, and now people are arguing over whether to insure a flying car or just hope for the best.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, people will argue about insurance rates for self-driving cars? Remember when it was just about getting hit by a bus?.
• Headline: 7 More Tax Aides Accused of Bribery. Impact: The bribery scandal involving IRS aides introduced the concept of 'taxpayer distrust' that would ripple through generations. This event is why, in the future, people will be more suspicious of tax forms than they are of their own shadow.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, people will still find creative ways to avoid taxes? Spoiler: it involves a lot of loopholes and questionable deductions!.
• Headline: LODGE IS AT WORK AS VOTE COMES IN; Spurs Saigon War as Battle in New Hampshire Rages. Impact: Lodge's determination to boost the war effort while juggling domestic politics set the stage for future leaders to attempt to multitask their way through crises. This led to the infamous 'crisis management' workshops that have done nothing but help politicians look busy while achieving little.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, politicians will have social media teams that do the 'spinning' for them? It's like political gymnastics, but with fewer medals!.
• Headline: PRESIDENT SILENT; Does Not Intend to Ask Envoy to Resign Post or Curb His Actions. Impact: Johnson's silence on Lodge's primary victory created a precedent of political leaders ignoring their rivals, which now leads to endless memes of politicians pretending their opponents don't exist. The art of selective hearing in politics was born.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, ignoring your political opponents will become a sport? Watch for the Olympic event 'Dodge the Debate'!.
• Headline: LOOT PUT AT $60,000 IN SEMINARY HOLDUP. Impact: The seminary holdup, valued at $60,000, led to a series of debates on the security of religious institutions. This eventually inspired vigilante groups, who thought they could do better than the police, leading to a wave of 'hero' movies where the protagonist saves the day... usually after a lot of collateral damage.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, there will be entire genres of films dedicated to heists? The only thing more valuable than gold will be the plot twist!.