MARCH 10, 1964

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lowering Draft Age Amid Poverty Challenges. Impact: Lowering the draft age to 16? Great idea! Just imagine a world where teenagers are not only mastering algebra but also learning to dodge bullets. This bold move could lead to a future where high school yearbooks are filled with pictures of kids in camouflage instead of caps and gowns. You know, because nothing screams 'war on poverty' like sending kids off to war!. Fact: The last time someone tried to draft a teenager, they ended up making a whole generation sign up for social media instead. Much safer, right?.
• Headline: Syracuse Appoints New Dean Amid Changes. Impact: The appointment of a new dean at Syracuse may not seem like a big deal, but this could ripple through academia. With new leadership, students might suddenly find themselves being assigned more rigorous coursework and fewer pizza parties. Oh, the horror!. Fact: Did you know that deans are just like wizards? They appear out of nowhere, cast spells on your grades, and always seem to have a mysterious connection to the coffee machine..
• Headline: Steel Unions Chief Asserts Labor Shuns Federal Help. Impact: By asserting that labor shuns federal help, the Steel Union Chief could have sparked an underground movement of independent unions. This could lead to every union claiming they can do it all by themselves—like a toddler trying to build a tower of blocks without adult supervision.. Fact: Labor unions are like your annoying friend who insists they can fix your car but ends up just getting grease everywhere instead. Thanks for the effort, though!.
• Headline: Rice U. Is Given Right to Admit Negroes and Charge Tuition. Impact: By allowing Rice University to admit Negroes and charge tuition, this ruling could ripple through time, encouraging other institutions to follow suit. Who knew that a lawful decision could spark a nationwide debate on education accessibility? Amazing!. Fact: Did you know that before this ruling, the only thing more segregated than schools was the lunch table in the high school cafeteria? Truly revolutionary!.
• Headline: Aide Testifies Baker Got a Sapphire Ring as Gift; Says It Came From Murchison Official—Different Version of Kickback Is Given. Impact: The sapphire ring testimony could lead to a future where all politicians are required to disclose all gifts—eventually resulting in a gift economy where politicians trade favors like Pokémon cards. Gotta catch 'em all!. Fact: In politics, the only thing shinier than a sapphire ring is the smile of a politician when they’re promising change. Spoiler alert: it usually costs extra..
• Headline: EL PASO GAS UNITS ARE SOLD TO SHELL; Deal Covers Marketing and Refining Properties. Impact: Shell's acquisition of gas units could set off a chain reaction leading to a monopoly in the gas industry. Picture a world where gas prices are so high that families resort to using bicycles powered by sheer will. Yep, that's progress!. Fact: Did you know that Shell's motto could just as easily be 'We put the 'fun' in 'fundamentally overpriced fuel'? No? Well, they should consider it!.
• Headline: ALL‐DAY FIGHTING RAGES ON CYPRUS; TOWN IS CUT OFF; Turkish Community Defies Greeks' Demands It Yield Fortifications in Paphos; THANT ISSUES WARNING; He Calls Violence Senseless and Fears “Tragic” Results —Ankara Rejects Mediator. Impact: The ongoing fighting in Cyprus could have long-term consequences, leading to a future where peace talks are as common as reality TV shows. You know, lots of drama but no resolution—perfect for binge-watching!. Fact: Cyprus has seen more conflict than a family Thanksgiving dinner. But hey, at least they don’t have to deal with Aunt Karen's conspiracy theories!.