FEBRUARY 22, 1964

Full News Archive

• Headline: Park Avenue Executive Charged With Murder. Impact: This Park Avenue executive's ill-fated bet on the Yankees set off a chain reaction of bad investments in sports gambling. Fast forward a few decades, and suddenly everyone thinks they can predict the next big stock market crash based on their fantasy football league standings.. Fact: Did you know that losing $25,000 in gambling is apparently more concerning than, say, the state of the economy? Priorities, right?.
• Headline: Ernest Hemingway's Estate Settlement. Impact: This widow's inheritance of $1.4 million sparked a series of literary disputes over who should be the next 'designated benefactor' of famous authors. Spoiler: It was mostly just a bunch of people arguing over who had the better mustache.. Fact: Fun fact: Hemingway's ghost still haunts literary circles, reminding everyone that he had a much cooler life than most of us ever will..
• Headline: Tribute to Edward Gargan, Celebrated Actor. Impact: Edward Gargan’s career in musicals was so inspiring that it led to a brief but passionate revival of jazz hands in the 1990s, giving birth to a million awkward middle school talent shows across America.. Fact: Did you know that in the world of musical theater, no one actually knows what 'jazz hands' are supposed to signify? It's all just a dramatic gesture to distract from the lyrics..
• Headline: MOHANSIC PLANNING 500 FAIR CAMPSITES. Impact: The planning of 500 fair campsites was the first step in creating the ultimate outdoor Instagram backdrop, leading to the rise of 'glamping' and hipster influencers who now charge you $50 for a photo with a vintage tent.. Fact: Fun fact: Camping is just an excuse for people to pretend they enjoy nature while actually just avoiding Wi-Fi for a few hours..
• Headline: PIPELINE TO JERSEY ALLOWED TO RESUME. Impact: The resumption of this pipeline led to a series of environmental regulations that were ignored, paving the way for future politicians to claim they care about the planet while simultaneously approving more pipelines than you can shake a stick at.. Fact: Did you know? Pipelines are like the world's most boring rollercoaster: they go up, down, and around, but nobody really wants to ride them..
• Headline: SHRIVER REFUSES TO TALK POLITICS; Says It Is Up to Johnson to Select a Running Mate. Impact: Shriver's refusal to discuss politics was a subtle nod to future politicians, who would take this advice to an extreme - leading to countless hours of political debates with zero substance and even less interest from the public.. Fact: Did you know? Politicians have mastered the art of saying a lot while actually saying nothing. It's like poetry, but less interesting..
• Headline: DR. JULIUS NEWMAN. Impact: Dr. Julius Newman’s contributions to medicine inspired countless medical professionals, leading to the modern-day use of 'Dr.' in front of everyone’s name, even the ones who barely passed biology.. Fact: Fun fact: The title 'Doctor' doesn’t always mean you can fix your car. Good luck with that mechanic!.
• Headline: DIPLOMAT SEIZED AS POLICE CRACK HEROIN RING HERE; Mexican Envoy to Bolivia Arrested With 2 Others in Smuggling Conspiracy; 3 COUNTRIES COOPERATE; $13.5 Million in Narcotics Recovered by Authorities in City and Montreal. Impact: The arrest of these diplomats for drug smuggling led to the establishment of a new international law: ‘Don’t get caught,’ which ironically became the guiding principle for many future politicians.. Fact: Did you know? Diplomatic immunity doesn’t actually mean you can't get caught; it just means you can run away faster..
• Headline: Crime and Punishment. Impact: The new law criminalizing dog theft while letting husbands off easy for abandoning pregnant wives caused a nationwide debate over pet rights versus human rights, leading to a future where dogs might just run for office.. Fact: Did you know? In the future, pets will probably have their own lobbyists to advocate for better treatment. Spoiler: They’ll have the best snacks..