JANUARY 6, 1964

Full News Archive

• Headline: Soviet Gold Sales Surge in 1963. Impact: The surge in Soviet gold sales caused the West to panic about gold reserves, leading to a gold rush that had more twists and turns than a soap opera plotline.. Fact: If you stacked 400 tons of gold, you could build a very shiny statue of a very confused Vladimir Lenin..
• Headline: PAUL AN SHAZAR APPEAL FOR PEACE; President of Israel Greets Pope With Warm Words. Impact: This meeting between Shazar and the Pope was the beginning of a long line of awkward photo ops between world leaders and religious figures, leading to the creation of the 'Peaceful Selfie' movement.. Fact: Pope selfies are still a thing, proving that even divine figures are not immune to the allure of social media likes..
• Headline: Influx of Deviates and Addicts Linked to City Draft Rejections. Impact: The correlation between draft rejections and influx of marginalized groups led to a panic that eventually inspired the creation of 'Draft Dodger Awareness Month'—now celebrated with parades and questionable float designs.. Fact: Psychiatric rejections in the draft process are just the government's way of saying, 'Hey, maybe you shouldn't fight for us.'.
• Headline: KIRBY DOMINATED CORPORATE FIGHTS; Major Struggles for Control Bypassed Proxy Route. Impact: Kirby's corporate maneuvers set the stage for a series of corporate dramas that would put daytime television to shame, leading to the rise of corporate espionage as a hot new career choice.. Fact: Corporate fights are basically like high school rivalries, but with more money and less drama club..
• Headline: Goldwater Would Threaten a Break With Soviet; He Says on TV Such a Tactic Would Force Concession; Favors Renouncing Test Ban if It Was to U.S. Advantage. Impact: Goldwater's comments on the nuclear test ban led to a series of increasingly absurd political debates, ultimately resulting in the invention of reality TV where politicians compete for the title of 'Most Outrageous Statement'.. Fact: Renouncing a nuclear test ban is a bit like saying you’ll only break up with someone if it benefits you—totally classy move..
• Headline: EXPERT ASSAILS ARABS ON WATER; Tells Zionists of Altruism in Israel's Jordan Plan. Impact: Dr. Lowdermilk's critique of Arab opposition ignited a series of water-related disputes that would make even the most dramatic reality shows look tame, culminating in ‘Water Wars 2020’—the sequel nobody asked for.. Fact: Water is essential for life, and apparently also for political debates that go nowhere and leave everyone thirsty for actual solutions..
• Headline: Wagner to Urge Albany To Legalize Rent Strikes. Impact: Wagner's push for rent strikes was the start of a movement that would end up inspiring countless memes about landlords, ultimately leading to the modern-day 'Rent is Too Damn High' phenomenon.. Fact: Legalizing rent strikes means you can protest your landlord legally, which is somehow less satisfying than just yelling at them in person..