DECEMBER 19, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: U.S. Challenges Soviet Voting Rights at U.N.. Impact: The U.S. insisting on suspending the Soviet Union's voting rights led to a series of increasingly creative diplomatic standoffs. Eventually, they resorted to sending each other increasingly ridiculous gifts, like snow globes of their respective capitals, which somehow became the basis for international relations in the 21st century. Fact: Did you know that the U.N. has more rules about who can vote than most high schools have about prom dates? It’s almost as if they’re preparing for a global game of dodgeball.
• Headline: U.S. Reviews Arms-Cut Policy Ahead of Geneva. Impact: This review of arms-cut policy ultimately led to a bizarre competition between nations to see who could create the most elaborate peace treaties. Spoiler alert: they all ended up just using emojis. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'arms reduction' could unintentionally be interpreted as a fitness program for military personnel? Because who wouldn’t want a six-pack while negotiating global peace?.
• Headline: Stevenson's Controversial Decision in 1964. Impact: Stevenson's reluctance to bar a race in 1964 led to the creation of an underground movement of political activists who secretly trained for marathons to promote political agendas, ultimately resulting in the world's first political marathon. Fact: Fun fact: In 1964, running for office was a lot more literal than it is today. Candidates would literally run around their districts, often faster than they could campaign.
• Headline: CONGRESS APPROVES FOUR MONEY BILLS. Impact: The approval of these funding bills paved the way for Congress to become the ultimate 'money manager,' leading to a new reality show called 'Congressional Budgeting: The Real Money Hustlers.'. Fact: Did you know that the entire U.S. government budget is basically a giant family budget where everyone fights over who gets to spend the most on pizza?.
• Headline: Rockefeller Institute Warns on Subway; ROCKEFELLER UNIT HITS SUBWAY PLAN Gets Federal Subsidy. Impact: The Rockefeller Institute's warning about the subway led to a wave of paranoia about urban infrastructure, resulting in an underground society of conspiracy theorists who believed tunnels were built to house alien life forms. Fact: Did you know that in the 1960s, scientists were more concerned about subway vibrations than about actual earthquakes? Talk about misplaced priorities!.
• Headline: MULTILATERAL AID IS PRAISED AT U.N.; World Bank President Sees Faults in Bilateral Accords $750 Million Added to Fund. Impact: The praise for multilateral aid at the U.N. sparked a series of awkward dinner parties among world leaders, where they awkwardly discussed their 'contributions' while trying to one-up each other with stories about their charitable deeds. Fact: Did you know that the World Bank's meetings often resemble awkward family reunions where everyone pretends to like each other's cooking while secretly critiquing it behind their backs?.
• Headline: JOHNSON ATTENDS CAPITOL LUNCHEON. Impact: Johnson attending a Capitol luncheon became a tradition that led to Congress adopting a 'lunch and legislation' policy, where serious debates were held over appetizers. This resulted in some of the most absurd laws ever passed. Fact: Did you know that the Capitol's lunch menu has historically been more influential than actual political platforms? Because nothing says 'let’s make a law' like a well-cooked meatloaf.
• Headline: MINUTEMAN FIRED FROM CAPE KENNEDY. Impact: The firing of the Minuteman missile from Cape Kennedy was so successful that it inspired future generations to create 'Launch Day' celebrations, complete with fireworks and cake, completely missing the point of the original event. Fact: Did you know that Cape Kennedy was once the site of more parties than launches? Apparently, nothing brings people together like the promise of a missile test and some free snacks.
• Headline: Justice Leibowitz Sworn In For Another 2-Year Term. Impact: Justice Leibowitz being sworn in for another term prompted a wave of judges across the nation to take up yoga, believing it would help them find balance—both in their rulings and in their lives. Fact: Did you know that the most controversial case during Leibowitz's term was deciding whether or not yoga pants were appropriate courtroom attire? Spoiler: They weren't.